Can you forgive him or her for not giving you children?

Last week, one of my readers asked if I had written about forgiveness. It’s key to moving on past a lack of children, she said. I had not, but I think we should talk about it.

In a marriage where one partner can’t or doesn’t want to have children and the other one does, somebody is not going to get what they want. There’s just no way around it. Either you split up and look for someone who feels the same way, or one of you gives in. The person who didn’t really want kids agrees to have them anyway or the one did want them remains childless. It’s a painful situation. Do you love the other person enough to make this kind of sacrifice? And if you do, is part of you going to hate them forever or can you forgive them?

I was married twice. Husband number one let me know a couple years into the marriage that he did not want children, couldn’t stand babies and would leave me if I had one. Would he really have done that? I don’t know. After six years, we divorced. Looking back, I know that he was not an evil person. He was just young. He was not ready to be a father, even if I felt completely ready to have a baby. Should I hate him? No. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Then came Fred, husband number two. When we got married, he was 48 years old. His kids were 18, 16, and 8. He and his first wife had spent years raising them, and now freedom was in sight. He didn’t want to start over with another baby. In fact, he had had a vasectomy to make sure he and his ex wouldn’t conceive again. I know that he loved me enough that if I had insisted on having a child, he would have agreed to seek a way to make me pregnant, but I didn’t insist. I just ran around feeling sorry for myself. I can understand all that now, and I can forgive him. He didn’t give me children of my own but he gave me so many other things.

I’m still working on forgiving myself.

If you’re in the throes of unfulfilled baby lust, it isn’t easy to forgive anyone or anything who denies you a child. But try, just for a minute, to see things from their perspective. Maybe you can’t forgive them yet. Maybe you can’t live with this and need to find another mate or another way to deal with the situation. But try to see things from their side. What makes them feel the way they do? Understanding is the first step toward finding a solution you both can live with.

So, in this new year, however it turns out, whatever you have to do, try a little forgiveness.

92 thoughts on “Can you forgive him or her for not giving you children?

  1. I agree I need to know how to heal from this. I thought I could manage my pain but when I realized that my husband did not want to have a baby with me. We did get pregnant via IVF but I miscarried. Through the whole process my husband was so disengaged it was awful. I decided that I could not do IVF again because it was so hard on us and he so obviously didn't want another child (he has three from a previous marriage). Having made that decision, I have tried unsuccessfully to manage my heartache and it is getting worse not better. I have tried counseling a few times but I can’t seem to get past it. I love my husband so I need to find a way to forgive because right now I am not very easy to live with, and I am hurting him with my anger.

    Like

  2. I blame my husband. I hate him. I don't know if I can continue in this life and in this marriage.I left all my life, family, friends and work behind to be with him in another country. In the beginning I wasn't ready to have a child; I was too young (he had a bad marriage and 2 bad sons). A couple of years back, I told him I wanted a child and initially he said no, then later changed to okay. It is not just okay to have a child. I wanted him to want it. From that moment on, we stopped having sex. He says that he became impotent. I hate him! Time passed. I am too old to get pregnant (just back from the doctor's office). I don't know what to do.

    Like

  3. Interesting reading all these posts, I'm going through a horrible situation quite unlike anything mentioned here. My wife always wanted children and I have always been on the fence. We got married young (20, 18) and I wasn't ready for the 1st 7-8 years understandably. After that I finally felt ready and started preparing myself , (healthwise etc) and when we were ready to start trying she got cold feet, saying she was happy the way things were, enjoying our childfree life. I said that was fine as we still had time, so we could discuss it again in the future. I asked her 4-6 times a year if she still didn't want them and if she did, then she needed to be honest with me as I was still happy either way. I didn't have the strong biological urge as many men don't, so was happy to go with the flow. Eight years later (36, 34), she blindsided me 8 weeks ago saying she has always wanted them and wasn't being honest with herself or me as she didn't want them with me unless I really wanted them. Now she resents me and this has caused her feelings to change for me and shes wants a divorce.After 8 weeks of trying to convince her to stay and give us a chance (it’s not too late to have children of course) she has finally locked in her decision to leave me. We had 18 years of relationship bliss and I can’t believe she has allowed this to happen to us. I feel like I was only a potential sperm donor and can’t believe our relationship is over because of this and due to her dishonesty.

    Like

  4. Anonymous, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It seems like you did your best to be open to your wife's desire to have children, and now you're being punished for it. I hope you can work it out and find peace in some way. You are in my prayers.

    Like

  5. I'm 35 year old with 4 kids of my own. My husband and I have been married 5 years. We tried IVF a year or so ago and lost the baby. He has no children of his own.n I'm torn between trying again or letting it go, as my children are teenagers already. He says the decision is mine. He really would love one of his own, but if it's not what I want that's fine too. I'm just so worried about another miscarriage or having a disabled child and then there's the whole starting over again 18+ years of stress, joy, ups and downs all over again. Feeling guilty

    Like

  6. Anonymous, thank you for sharing your story. It's difficult on either side, isn't it? We want to give our loved ones everything, but sometimes it's just too hard. I understand your guilt, but you need to be honest with your husband. It sounds like he'd be okay either way.

    Like

  7. I am 35, my partner 45, he has 3 kids. We spoke about reversal of his vasectomy. He was all for it and now told me he no longer wants a child. I love him and his kids and my life with him, but I want to have a baby. Do I stay or go?

    Like

  8. Broken Hearted:I am 39 year old, divorced highly professional woman. My live in BF is my age and he has a 17 year old daughter. He was very young when his GF got pregnant by stopping birth control and not telling him. He then had another bad situation with another woman. In the end, he ended up getting a vasectomy in his 20s! We really love each other, but the child issue has reached a peak point of conflict. When we initially got together, I was getting out of a horrible divorce where I gave up the idea of being a mom. I let the dream die because I knew my husband was not the right person. Then I met my BF, got closer and fell madly in love. During our relationship, he said he never thought he wanted kids again but with me he saw it as a possibility. We talked about it for months and then he came to the conclusion that he did not want it. It broke my heart last year to hear this and we had a pretty heated argument. Since then, he brought it up again lightly and mentioned to a friend months ago. This renewed my dream and I really starting hoping this was on its way to the right path. We are together for almost three years now. Yesterday, he has said he absolutely will not have kids in any form: Not a reversal, not a removal of sperm, AI, not a third party donor and not adoption. He likened it to him not even wanting a pet. He also said getting a vasectomy was the BEST decision he has ever made. When asked how he would hurt me so badly, knowing how important family is to me, he said that he loves himself more. Now what? I am madly in love with this man, but I hate the women and his irresponsible actions in youth that caused this situation to begin with. I hate that years later I have to pay the price. It's really unfair. And I hate that he seems to not care about the pain it is causing me. At my age, I feel like there is little hope of “meeting” the right guy to marry, be safe with and have a family. I had a horrific divorce experience and now, the one man that I love more than any other in my life and that I know loves me, will not compromise one inch. Do I give up on the love of my life in the hopes that in exactly two years I will fall madly in love with a new person who has the ability to commit, be a good husband, not cheat, not be drinker, not be a gambler or have any other vice and provide a family and home? Assuming I can even conceive? It is just such a nightmare position with such little hope to be in. Yet, I am afraid if I stay I will resent him, especially since he is so doting on his daughter and of course there will be grandchildren eventually. I will not get a donor and be a single mother. I cannot do it and do not have the support system in place to help. I never, ever imagined in a million years I would be in this position at age 39. Divorced, no house, no husband, no family and in love with a man who will not give me a family. What to do? It just makes me feel like such an utter failure. I really messed up my life despite my enormous professional success. I feel so completely alone and heartbroken. What to do? Either choice has horrible odds…

    Like

  9. Oh, Broken Hearted, what a pickle. I can see how you felt it was over after your divorce. I felt the same way, too. Forget kids, I was going to be alone forever. And then this great guy comes along, but now he doesn't want children. He's adamant about it. I don't think you can change his mind. I wish I knew which way you should go. You're right that the odds of finding a great guy before you're too old to conceive are not good, although maybe you could adopt. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be a single mother. You just have to figure out which would be worse, staying with your boyfriend or leaving him? I sure hope you can work it out.
    Anybody else have advice?

    Like

  10. Been with my husband for over 10 years, married for just over 6 months. We had an unplanned pregnancy five years ago and mutually decided that sadly the timing & circumstances at that point weren't right for us and opted for a termination. We're not the world's best communicators. At the time I said I did want kids in the future when the circumstances were right and named what I considered those to be. He understood this and seemed to be of the same view, or so I thought, Have raised the issue indirectly and directly over the past year-18 months but he never took me up on it, like I was having a conversation with myself. Now over 35, my biological clock's going off. 😦 Sat down with him earlier in the year and raised the subject, saying can we discuss having a family. Conversation went okay, or so I thought! He said he'd not really thought about it (which hurt, given he knows what we went through to arrive at the decision to terminate years earlier and our conversations) but he wouldn't rule it out, it was just not yet for now but maybe in the next year. Chief reason he gave for this was his job situation might be more secure then, but he acknowledged his job situation (fixed term contracts) has been like this for years, next year is unlikely to be any different in that respect, but he could then look for alternative more stable work. (which he's had the chance to do before and right now). He made what I felt were positive-ish comments around the fun we could have trying to conceive. Four weeks later, I explained to him how 'maybe' in the next year was troubling me, didn't want to pressure him but knowing we both procrastinate terribly, what would he consider an acceptable time frame for him him to think things through so I can have some kind of timeframe and not lie awake most nights thinking he's stalling, next year will come, he'll do the same and the decision will be out of our hands as we get older. This backfired majorly, big row, told having a baby is obviously more important to me than him, he doesn't know if wants baby, will I resent him if he says no! This is the same man who four weeks earlier made jokes about having fun trying, but at some vague timescale 'in the future' when I'm now 36. Again this hurts, am not looking for sympathy, we chose termination but to not give it thought over the years, to not give the idea thought when I've referred to well if and when we have a family, for us to make right in our life the circumstances that made us opt for termination those years ago, but then backtrack. It was in the middle of our row about it, but he asked me if I will resent him if he says no. Now I'm scared and bewildered. It feels like a betrayal, like I've been saying things over the years but he's had no respect for me to even think about what I've been saying, his response to that or, come to think of it, even having a response until as usual I have to raise the issue. I'm so sad 😦

    Like

  11. Oh shoot, Anonymous, that sucks. I want to shake that guy till he gets some sense. I hope when he asked if you'd resent him, you said, “Yes,” that you made it clear it was not fair for him to back off having babies at this point. Keep talking. Try to keep it calm, but don't just let it go.
    I'm thinking about a couple friends who waited seven years to get married, which made them too old to have babies, like their mid-40s, so they never did. I'm also thinking today about my first husband, who kept saying no.
    I hope you can work it out.

    Like

  12. My husband is 63 years old and I am only 32. He has two grownup children from his previous marriage. I was a very ambitious girl and worked hard for my career until 2013. When he moved to another country for his job, I had to follow him to keep our marriage. He loved me so much but he doesn't want a child with me because he worries about his age. For me, I want a child with him. We are having a great relationship, but I can't stop thinking about having a child. No work for me in this new country, so I feel I need a child to be with me. I love him so much as well. I don't want to regret one day not having my own child. Should I have a baby with him? I want his baby because I love him very much. Now I am trapped with this situation. Please advise me.

    Like

  13. Anonymous, I wish I had the answer for you. When you marry someone who is so much older, there is a chance he won't want to have babies. Is there some other way you can bring children into your life? I hope you can find peace with this.

    Like

  14. When I was 26 years old, I met my husband. He's a great guy. He told me he didn't want any kids. At 26, I didn’t want them either. After we got married, I started to think more, but my husband was adamant about not having children. We went to counseling because overall he's the perfect man except him not wanting kids. I tried to cope and I’d be good for a little while; then the feeling would come back. My husband’s oldest just had a baby. A part of me is happy and another part of me is hurt and jealous. I have never seen the baby because my husband’s oldest doesn't care for me because of my age. It's been 5 years almost and still nothing. I guess I have to move on because I see myself being angry with him. Lesson Learned

    Like

  15. I am 38 & my husband is 49. We have been together for 10 years (married for 4 years). When we met, we just clicked like we were made for each other and have always been happy. He has 3 children from a previous marriage who have always been part of our life. We did sort of talk about kids when we got together & he always said never say never. At that point, after a bad previous divorce, I wasn't thinking of kids at the time. We had said we would never get married. He started dropping hints that he wanted to get married, but when I mentioned it, he would say “why can't you ask me?” Over the few years leading up to this, I had mentioned having kids. He would give mixed responses, like never say never or didn't want them. As he was dropping hints about marriage, I decided to take the plunge & asked him to marry me & told him I wanted a family. We sat down & talked, as I was off work due to a medical issue. He suggested getting married & waiting till I was back at work so I would get maternity pay, to which I agreed. A couple years of marriage, & I wasn't able to get back to work, so sat down & asked could we start a family as I was not going to get back to work. His point blank reply was no! I was shocked at this & at that moment I thought maybe it wasn't the right time as the dog we had was bit boisterous for a baby & old. We would approach the subject when she went. We spent the next couple of years enjoying our relationship, but when people asked if we had kids I would always say, no one wants them with me. He would never comment. Anyway, this went on, not really much thought from either of us as a serious issue. Then end of March, the dog had a big operation, so March & April I spent most of my time going to & from vets, which all went well, only then to discover in June that she had an aggressive tumor & they couldn’t do anything for her other than make sure she was comfortable. By July, I felt emotionally drained & felt like I had something in my stomach. I thought I had a tumor, so I went to the doctor to discover I was pregnant (was on mini pill so not having periods was normal). She said around 12 weeks. While waiting forthe scan, we did talk & it soon became apparent he wasn't happy. When I asked if we were doing this together, he said no, he would leave me if had the baby & he wanted me to terminate. By the end of July, I still thought they had got it wrong, but I started having movements & first scan was due in August. He had agreed to come with me & I was hoping he would change his mind. The midwife said I needed to be seen, so I took myself off to the hospital & the first time I got to see my baby was to be told there was no heartbeat. A few days later I delivered a baby girl at 18 weeks gestation born asleep. We named her & attended her little funeral. Since then, we have carried on with me crying & he not happy with me crying. Life became busy as the dog needed extra vet visits & sadly in January we had her put to sleep. I have said I want to try for a baby as it’s all I can think of after what I went through, but he has said I have to choose him or leave to have a baby. I do love him very much & want to grow old together but also want a family with him. How do I choose & work out want I want the most? Sorry for all the waffle!

    Like

  16. Oh Anonymous May 8, what a tough time you have had. It sounds like your guy is not going to budge on this subject. He doesn't want to have a baby with you. So you do have to choose, stay with him with no baby or try to find someone else. You're the only one who can make that decision. I pray you find the answer.

    Like

  17. I am 28 and my partner is 41. We have been together for almost 2 years. He has 2 children (8&10) from a previous marriage. I am lucky in that they are wonderful children, and both their father and mother support my relationship with them. I have always wanted children. I made this clear when I met my partner, and at the beginning he said he was ok with having more children, although he has had a vasectomy, so we would have to go through a reversal. However, 8ish months in, he came to me and told me he no longer wanted children. We split up briefly, but he changed his mind and said (again) that he would be open to the idea. We continued moving forward over the last year or so with the idea that we would have a child together. Now he has come to me to say that he, again, does not want children, and that this time it is a permanent decision. I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do. I love my partner deeply and value our relationship. I am happy and fulfilled in a way I have never felt in any other relationship I have had. I love his children and the family we have created together over the last year. I have been going back and forth over the last week since all this came out… should I leave and pursue another relationship and have children in that new relationship, even though I don't want to be with anyone else? Can I live with giving up children? Will the amazing step-children I will have be fulfilling enough for me? I'm not sure. On the one hand, there are many things I like about the idea of not having children. I feel that I would still be able to be happy and feel fulfilled through other areas of my life, and I strongly believe that I will form an amazing stepparent/stepchild bond with my partner's children. I also feel that some of my urge to have children stems from the way I was raised- believing that a large part of the purpose of being a woman was to have children, and that this is the most fulfilling thing you can do as a woman – which I don't agree with at this time in my life. However, there is still that desire, and a strong desire at that, to have children and experience pregnancy and the early years.It's hard to give up something amazing, fulfilling, and wonderful that I have now for a future baby that I may end up never having. Simply put, I'm conflicted.

    Like

  18. I married a man with two children from a previous marriage. I have taken on the role of being a great stepmom as though my life (and theirs) depended on it. I had never been interested in the thought of having my own, so when he said he didn't want more and had had a vasectomy I was happy to jump on board. Having stuck to my guns about not wanting to birth my own children, a friend (who was on the same page and in the SAME situation) posted a sonogram of her news. I was devastated! I still can't figure out why exactly. But the urge had never been stronger, I was so emotionally affected by the announcement that it was obvious to my husband. Talking about pregnancy is a VERY sore subject in my home as he feels that strongly about NOT having more. I feel heartbroken and so alone. Will this feeling go away? Or will resentment grow? He will never know the longing for his own, because he already has his own. Please help 😦

    Like

  19. Anon, May 22, I am sorry for your pain. It's hard, but remember that you were okay before with not having kids. In time you will probably be able to accept it again. I hope you find peace.

    Like

  20. Hi, I'm 31 and can't have children. My husband of 5 years has a 16 year old son and does not want anymore children. I'm now at a stage where I am considering leaving him so I can adopt. Our relationship isn't stable enough to adopt together and I don't believe he wants to anyway.

    Has anyone else been in this situation?
    I need some advice desperately.

    Like

  21. Just finished reading all the comments.
    My situation is that I'm nearly 53 and my husband is 37. We've been together for 10 years and married for 8.

    When we first met, I told him I was unable to have any more children as my tubes are tied.

    He said he was fine with that and that he didn't want any children.

    Now a few weeks ago, he has dropped the bomb on me saying he would like to have children and sat there and told me a timeline. He said he'd be finished with college next year and get a good paying job and he'd be ready at age 40. Ummm really?

    So is he telling me he has been using me for a decade as I moved to another country to be with him and left MY family behind as in grown kids and grandkids, helped him get through college and now he is planning to dump me off for someone younger?

    Then he tells me it is probably just a phase and he'll get over it as he really doubts he could meet anyone else.

    Guess what? Does he really think I'm just going to sit around and put up with this?

    Like

    • What happened? I am in same position with same age difference as you and my other half has just announced similarly but said he thought we should end our relationship. We’re still talking but I’m pessimistic.

      Like

  22. Oh boy. Anon age 31, is this the first time you've expressed a desire to adopt or was this part of your plan from the beginning? Is the relationship so shaky that you might not stay even if the baby thing weren't an issue? If so, go forth and adopt. Otherwise, keep talking.

    Anon age 53, say what? Does your husband not understand that you're too old to have babies even if your tubes weren't tied and that's what happens when you marry an older woman? How can he hurt you like that with this timeline business? I don't even know him and I'm mad at him. So now the question is: can your relationship last through this or has he already damaged it irreparably? I pray you find a solution.

    Like

  23. I am remarried, I have two wonderful children from my first marriage. They are 21 and 24. My husband now has two children, ages 13 and 11. I had a tubal after my daughter. I feel blessed but very depressed often because I haven't been able to give us a child. I see everyone around us with a child together. And I feel insecure a lot, weird without us having a child. And I'm a little older than him.He says it doesn't matter, and he doesn't need a child. His are actually in another country with their mom. He tries to keep in touch. I feel bad for that too, but he came here to better himself. I don't know if I’ll ever feel completely right. I just needed to post this, and don't know if anyone has their comments about this. Thank you, Lynn

    Like

  24. These stories are terrifying. I am 37 and do not and have never wanted kids, but am currently with a guy who is 29 and 100% on the fence. Due to medical issues resulting an an ablation/tubal, I couldn't have kids even if I wanted, but he is firmly in 'I have no idea if some day I will want kids' land. I have no idea what to do – wait it out and see if one day the axe drops and we split, or let him walk away now so that he doesn't waste his time with me. The desire not to have kids has thrown a wrench into every potential relationship I've ever had.

    Like

  25. Kollapse (cool name!), I sympathize. It always comes down to the same thing. Can you both be happy together without kids? If not, somebody has to leave. It's brutal, but true. I hope you can find a way to work it out.

    Like

  26. I am 41 in 3 months, my partner is 46, we have been together for 11 years. He is a good man, and a good person and we are each other’s best friend. The only real issue we have ever had is the issue of children. About a year and a half into the relationship, he started to make noises about not really being bothered about having kids – but he never said he didn't want them, so I imagined it was something that would pass. I made it clear I really wanted children. Then, maybe a year later again, he started to say he did not want kids at all, and that was the state of play for about 7 years. Every now and then, it would come up and escalate into an argument, often ending with me threatening to walk if things didn't change. I watched friends and family have kids, and they would advise me to finish it if we didn't want the same things, that I was wasting time. but I could never do it – not when everything else was right. Two years ago, I started to investigate options for single mums, donner sperm, adoption, not wanting to leave him but wanting to find a solution. When it came down to it, I couldn't leave my best friend. So, we bought a puppy!! We both love that dog to distraction. Then one Sunday morning a little over a year ago, while sitting in bed (our habit is to watch TV and drink tea while sitting in bed with the dog) my partner asked me how I felt about not having children, I told him I thought about it every day, it is the first thing in my head when I wake, last thing before I sleep. I think about it while I watch the kettle boil, that I am terrified of growing old and having no family around me, and worse I was worried I would grow to hate him one day. His response floored me. “Let's try for a baby”. He went on to describe how he wanted me to be happy, that the dog (while we know it is very different to having a child) had helped to address his fear of change and responsibility. I was over the moon. We started Project Make a Baby. It was very exciting and I felt we grew even closer. But 6 months in and no pregnancy, so we went to a GP who, because of my age referred us to a clinic. After all sorts of efforts to help, we were still having no luck. All tests indicated there were no problems as such, so we would not be given IVF on nhs. So Last month we paid for IVF. It failed. We are both gutted. We had really thought it had worked; all the signs were good. Worse still, we had our followup appointment this week and have been told that my egg quality starts to deteriorate once they are implanted (consistent with age-related issues) and we are unlikely to ever succeed unless we use donor eggs. He is disappointed but I am devastated. My little sister has offered to be a donor and my partner says he thinks it a great idea as she and I look alike, but I cannot shake the feeling of loss of my own eggs, and also the niggling voice that wants to scream WHY COULD WE NOT HAVE TRIED SOONER?. We are both hurting now, and yes we have each other, and my sister is an amazing person to make the offer she has, and I am beyond lucky to have her offer, but it is not what I want really. We have our dog, who has been a great comfort, but I am not functioning properly. I can't think straight. If I loose my job I would not be surprised and nothing seems to have any point any more. We are both suffering now, and I know that it is still too raw and in time it will get better, easier. Right now I can't shake the thought that this is all his fault, but I know I have to take some responsibility too. It really hurts.

    Like

  27. Shoot, Anonymous, that's terrible. Why do guys have no clue that we can't wait forever, that our eggs only last so long? It drives me nuts to hear stories like this. You are far from the only one. I have some friends who waited seven years to get married and start trying. Did the whole IVF thing, too. No babies. Too late. He wasted her fertile years. I'm so glad you have each other and are happy in every other way. That's important. At least you can hang on to each other. But it's still a loss, and everybody here feels your pain. I pray you find peace in time.

    Like

  28. I have 2 girls with my first marriage and my husband has 2 sons with his first marriage. He had a vasectomy 7 years ago. It was a decision he had made with his ex-wife. We have contemplated vasectomy reversal and talked numerous times. Friends of ours just adopted a newborn through a private agency. After meeting the little one, he came home and was super excited to share the news and asked if we could adopt. I stated that I would love to have his child/our child. Now he’s saying hes too old (44) and he doesn’t want to go through the surgery. I told him we could get a sperm donor…no comment. I am soo hurt. I told him its like holding a brand new boat just with in your reach that you've been wanting and then being told it’s not for sale.

    Like

  29. I don’t know if I can forgive him but I can understand why he says no. We were never on the same page, me giving him mixed messages for years… When he wanted a kid, I would say yes, then change my mind quickly thereafter. I processed my feelings for quite some time and do wish for a child. Now I want a child and he says no. Last year we agreed to wait until finances improved and then maybe start to try. But then I did the unthinkable. I messed up because I cheated on him for 6 months. He found out. I ended the affair and don’t regret doing that. It was unhealthy and dangerous. It’s been three months and he says he’s too old now- he’s 37. I am trying to put myself in his shoes…I would be skeptical to have a kid with someone who cheated on me too. I’m just at a loss. I wish I would have said yes years ago…

    Like

  30. I left a comment on the ‘entitled to grieve’ post the other day so this is kind of a follow up to that, but I felt what I want to say makes more sense here. The last few days have been rough as I’ve waded through my most recent wave of grief. I’ve been processing my thoughts and felt like tonight my husband and I needed to talk. I asked him 2 questions. I’ve never really seen him grieve over his decision to not allow us to become parents. For me, when it builds up to a point that I can’t ignore or when it comes out of nowhere, I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the gut and had my legs kicked out from under me all at the same time. 1) Do you grieve too and how do you deal with it? 2) If you felt so strongly about not having children why have you never gotten a vasectomy?

    To the first question he responded very angrily that he did feel a similar way as I do, but to give in to it would take him twice as long to put himself back together so he doesn’t allow himself to fall apart. He did let me know that he was not angry with me because I did fall apart when my grief overwhelms me. I explained to him how it helped me to know how he felt because I’ve wondered for years if I was the only one dealing with the grief. To the second question he responded that he believed he wasn’t capable of producing children so why have the procedure? (In previous relationships he had unprotected sex with his gf’s and they did not get pregnant.) He never went for testing to make sure because it would be another thing to be angry about.

    We talked for a little while longer then I walked over to where he sat and hugged him. I looked him in the eye and told him I did not hate him, and that I loved him.

    We’ve been married 15 years and have had several conversations over the years, each one peeling another layer back on this issue. Several years ago during another wave of the grieving I remembered that I married him for him first, not for what he would give me. That hasn’t changed for me. Initially I was so mad and hurt at his choice that I forgot that. Forgiveness was not automatic, but did happen. It was a choice I made, and continue to make because I love him. I made a vow ‘for better or for worse’ and sometimes that is all I have to lean on. Not having a child still hurts like hell, but not having him in addition to not having a child by him would be more than I could take. Of the few people in my life that know my story, some think I’m crazy for staying with my husband. They say that I deserve to be happy and should find someone who will give me what I long for. They are entitled to their opinion. This may not be the right answer for anyone else, but it is for me.

    Like

  31. I have 4 children from a previous marriage. I was married very young, because I was pregnant, and it wasn’t a happy marriage, but we stayed together until the kids were grown. I had my tubes tied after my last 2 (twins) were born.
    I then found the love of my life on the other side of the world. He knew my tubes were tied and he doesn’t have any children of his own, but he told me he didn’t want children. That began to change after we met in person. He told me he changed his mind and he wanted to have a family with me, so we started looking into a reversal procedure. We were living on separate continents at this time, he in Europe, I in the US, but we saved up and found a good doctor in Mexico. He flew to America so that he could be with me for the surgery and all was well. Shortly after the surgery, I left my country and family so that we could marry in Europe, and live there temporarily while we awaited his spouse visa. Fast forward 8 months, months and months of trying and no pregnancy, tests to see if my tubes were open (one was), other tests to check my fertility, all good, and still nothing. Except anger and resentment from him, because I did this to myself. I had the tubal ligation and ruined myself, in his mind. Doesn’t matter that I had it reversed, nor moved across an ocean to try and start a family with him.
    Then a few months later, I got pregnant, after a year of trying. We were over the moon excited. Until they couldn’t find the baby in the sonogram, and started worrying that it was ectopic. Which it was. But we couldn’t see it (had 3 different sonograms trying to find it) to confirm the ectopic pregnancy, so we had to wait, until I was 9 weeks pregnant and started bleeding and horrible pain. We went to the hospital, where they were finally able to see the pregnancy and confirm that it was ectopic and I had to have emergency surgery to remove it, as well as my only functional tube. So I absolutely can’t get pregnant now, unless we do IVF.
    And now when he is very upset, he calls me a murderer. I loved that baby and I carried it, and I lost it too. I could have lost my life as well. But he resents me, my children, my ex (whom I never really loved, in comparison to the crazy love I have for my current husband).
    I know he is hurting, and he wants a child so badly. I am willing to try IVF or adoption, but he has given up, and resents me so much now, doesn’t even want to have sex with me, because “what’s the point?” And I think maybe it is just time to walk away to give him a chance at a future with children and love. I don’t know how to help him with this. I hate to see him hurting and know that I am the cause of his pain.

    Like

    • Oh, Maurisue, what a painful situation, both physically and emotionally. I don’t know. If he can’t appreciate what you have gone through to try to give him what he wanted, maybe you should walk away, at least for a while. I’m so sorry this has happened, and I hope you can find peace.

      Like

  32. I came across this blog today and I felt relieved I was not the only one feeling this way. I am in my 40s and recently married to a man who has two kids from a previous marriage. I have no children and have always wanted my own. It was a whirlwind romance and it was mentioned he didn’t want kids and I did but we never discussed it. Unfortunately I assumed he would love me so much and change his mind once we were married. As we all know, that doesn’t happen. Every time I discuss it I get my feelings hurt. He is adamant he doesn’t want anymore children. He will cite reasons of upcoming job uncertainty although money is not an issue for us. However he is willing for us to take in a 6 month old baby to raise. So I can only assume he doesn’t want children with me. I offered to go have artificial insemination so the child is not biologically his but that wasn’t acceptable either. I feel I’m at a point where I have to leave and pursue my dreams of having my own child. I have sacrificed so much for this man and I feel like this is just too much to sacrifice. I feel I will always resent him for taking away my option to have a child. Due to my age I may not even be able to conceive but he isn’t even willing to try. He would rather me just sacrifice my dream of being a mother. I’m just so distraught about what to do. Can anyone shed some words of wisdom for me?

    Like

    • Zoe,
      I’m so sorry it has come to this. If you are in your 40s, the odds of finding someone else in time to have children are not good. I guess it comes down to which you would miss more, your husband or the chance to be a mom. I wish nobody had to make that choice.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s