My first husband said he’d leave if I got pregnant. The marriage ended before I had a chance to see if he meant it. My second husband, who had three children from his first marriage, said he really didn’t want any more. I was 33 and he was 48. We had talked about reversing his vasectomy or adopting a child. The odds of a successful surgery so long after the vasectomy were slim. Adoption agencies felt Fred was too old. And now he was saying he didn’t want to do the dad thing again. But did I believe him? Deep inside, I still thought I was going to be a mother. How? Immaculate conception? Miracle? Well, I was Catholic.
As age 40 rolled around, I grieved the loss of the children I never had. I felt the pressure of time passing, of my fertility running out. But it would be another 10 years before I could say and believe that I was never going to be a mother. Life would have been easier for all of us if I had accepted the truth sooner and put more energy into developing a stronger relationship with Fred’s children. But no, I was still telling myself that a baby of my own was coming.
How many of us play these mind games, thinking our partner or spouse will change his/her mind? I suppose they do sometimes, but usually they don’t. One of the things I have learned over the years is that you can’t change other people, only yourself. So if the person you love says no to kids, it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do about it.
Have you seen anyone change their minds about having children? Tell us what happened.