Today, still overwhelmed and under-inspired, I’m offering you an Easter basket full of links and thoughts.
“The A Word: Why We Didn’t Adopt” by Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled. It’s something people don’t talk much about. I haven’t really addressed it here, but this long post will fill that gap.
Loribeth at The Road Less Traveled talks about the new book Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
. I have not read it yet, but I’m planning to. Apparently, it leans hard to the childfree-by-choice side, but maybe we can identify with some of it, and there’s a lot of wisdom in Loribeth’s review.
. I have not read it yet, but I’m planning to. Apparently, it leans hard to the childfree-by-choice side, but maybe we can identify with some of it, and there’s a lot of wisdom in Loribeth’s review.“When Men Want Kids and Women Aren’t So Sure” Usually it seems to be the other way around. This New York Magazine piece looks at young women who aren’t so ready to join the mom club. Check out the comments, too, almost 200 of them at this point. It’s just a hard thing to figure out, isn’t it?
I hope you enjoy these links and follow them wherever they take you.
Question:
If you were advising a young person in your life who was considering a permanent relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have children, what would you tell them? Forget about your own situation for a minute. What would you tell this nephew, daughter, or friend whom you love?
Happy Easter to one and all. Don’t forget that it’s about more than a bunny who lays chocolate eggs.
Childless by Marriage 
Hi Sue, I love your blog and it really helps out when I am down to know there is more than just me feeling these things. As far as your question what would you say, myself I don't know but my mother said something to me that really made me think about things. She, of course, offered support in whatever decision I made, but one thing stuck with me. She said, “What if you end your relationship and find out you cannot have children with the next person or at all”
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Yup. It's all a gamble. I guess you start out with the guy and see what happens after that.
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Since you say we're advising a young person, I would say to her to end the relationship. From her partner's side, he's going to see her sad, and he'll feel guilty and miss the happy woman that she once was. She will be settling; that piece of her, no matter how great the relationship, will never go away. It's better to give yourself a chance for your dream than to throw that chance away. Sometimes people have to settle in a job to earn money, but they can always hope to get their dream job. When a man says “No (more) kids,” then that's killing your dream and a part of you will be dead inside, you won't act “the same” and he'll notice. Give yourself the chance to find a good man who has similar dreams as yours.
_AB_
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Thanks, AB. I think a lot of readers will agree with you. Anyone out there, if you don't agree, please tell us what you think about it.
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I would also say end the relationship if you're relatively young – although I suppose it depends on how strong their own feelings are towards wanting children. If they are ambivalent, at that stage, you could say give it a bit of time and see what you think – though it might then make it harder to end it further down the line.
If you're older I think its a different decision.
Also, if it turns out your partner can't have children, it seems harsh to leave them, though some partners do so. I would still say to people starting a relationship, ask your partner if you can't have bio children would they be interested in adoption or would they want to stay childless. Wish I'd asked that question.
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Good suggestions, Anonymous. It all boils down to “talk about it.” Don't mope in silence and hope for a magical solution.
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