If They Don’t Want Kids, Do You Have to Break Up?

That’s the question that arises in the majority of comments here at Childless by Marriage.  So many people, mostly anonymous, write that their partner says he (or she) does not want to have children. In some cases, they both agreed on not having kids in the beginning, but now the writer has changed her mind and is frustrated because her partner has not. In other cases, the partner has just announced that he isn’t interested in having kids. Not now, not ever, he doesn’t want to discuss it.

The heartbroken writer says: Now we have to break up. They may have been together for five, ten or twenty years, but it’s over because their partner does not want to be a parent.

Yesterday, Anonymous wrote: My girlfriend of 8 years has just told me she does not want children. she won’t even discuss it. I’m gutted and know I can’t stay with her. It is incredibly painful. She loves children and is great with them. Instead of even giving a reason, she just says she is ‘at peace’ with her decision.

But is it over? Should you really throw away a relationship that is good in every other way over this issue? God knows it’s a huge issue. The Catholic Church considers it grounds for annulment, declaring the marriage was never valid. Having children or not changes the whole course of your life, and if you have always wanted to be a mother or father, shouldn’t you pursue that?

Maybe. But how do you know whether you will find someone else in time to procreate or that you will ever love another person as much as the partner you have now? You don’t. So hold on. Don’t be too quick to jump ship or to broadcast to the world that your partner is a rat. Take a breath. Talk about it. I know, they don’t always want to talk. Give them a little time. Find a way to approach the subject without accusations and threats. Maybe say, “I love you so much and I want to understand . . .” Maybe you could each write a letter explaining your feelings. Maybe you could try counseling. Maybe there’s a good reason or an obstacle that you can help them get over. Or not. Just don’t give up too quickly. If you really love someone, you have to accept them as they are. If up until now, this person was The One, maybe he still is.

If the relationship is new and you really haven’t established any strong ties, then adios. Tell them it’s a deal-breaker and move on. But if you have given everything to this relationship, maybe it’s meant to be.

What do you think about this? Have you ever broken up over children? Are you thinking about it? What would you advise if it was your brother or your best friend? Please comment.

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116 thoughts on “If They Don’t Want Kids, Do You Have to Break Up?

  1. I am childless and just turned 40. I have 6 friends who are pregnant right now. I want to trick my husband so bad. Of course, I know exactly when I am ovulating, problem being, so does he. I need to get to that peaceful place, and I just can’t. I’m going to a baby shower on Sunday, and I want to show up drunk. Of course, I will not. My husband told me when we were in our 20’s that he never wanted kids, so I left. He lied to me to get me back. Now here I am. Your blog helps. So, so much Thank you

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    • This resonates with me. I’m 38 and I want to have kids but my husband doesn’t and I know I don’t have the emotional maturity and skills to be a parent without screwing them up. Those are the reasons we’re not doing it. All my friends are now starting their families. All I can do is put on a brave face and enjoy the crap out of their cute little munchkins until I can have my friends back in 25 years. Sometimes I think that I only want them because all my friends are doing it and I’m afraid of losing them. Funny thing is, I think that if I did become pregnant, my husband would leave. I’d like to say I’m happy with all of my life choices; I know the choice to NOT have them is the right choice for me, my husband AND our potential kids. But if it’s the right choice, then why is it so hard to be at peace with it?

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      • Stephanie, thank you for sharing this. We all have doubts, and this is a very difficult choice. Sometimes you won’t be at peace with it, but if you can be most of the time, that means it was the right choice. Hang in there.

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      • I feel the same way, Stephanie, and I am now 44.
        The only thing I would ask is why do you feel you don’t have the emotional maturity and would “screw them up”? Is that coming from you or could it be a message you internalized a long time ago? It seems to me that someone with a big heart, who is thoughtful about big life decisions and willing to make sacrifices for the happiness of others would make an excellent parent.
        I am the wacky aunt and that’s been fun but it isn’t the same, especially as the kids get older. You might get your friends back when their kids are teens (that’s where I’m at now), but they still talk about them all the time (of course) and then later they become grandparents. I’m not saying this to undermine your decision, but I wish I had thought about myself more when I was 38 and there might have been time to make an important change in the way I felt about myself.

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  2. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I recently turned 30, and we decided to try and have a child. We would try for a month or 2, then he would say that it’s a bad idea. (This also happened a few times within a few years, we’d try, then he’d back out). When my husband was a young teenager, he had some inappropriate touching with a younger girl. He has never done anything and will not do anything since then, but he still has thoughts about young girls. I didn’t realize how extensive they were until one night when he told me. He said that he thinks having a child would be a very risky idea with his thoughts, and that he’d rather not tempt fate, even though he has wanted a child too.

    I was (and still am) devastated, as we had always talked about having children together. We even picked out names. I understand that this is a huge red flag and if we did have a child, it could have horrible consequences. I accept it, but I’m not happy about it. He told me he understood if I wanted to divorce. I could never do that, I love him too much. We had a big fight one night and I was terrified that he would want to separate. That’s when I realized how much he means to me, more than a potential child. I can’t throw away 8 years of marriage and 12 years of being together for that, even though it hurts.

    I don’t think couples have to split up or divorce over this issue, but the other spouse has to be understanding of the grief that the one who wanted children is going through. My husband has been very supportive.

    Thank you so much for your blog, Sue. And your book, which I am in the process of reading!

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  3. This is a great post to read, and to see from this perspective. There’s a lot of talk always about this subject in childfree communities from the point of view of a spouse who suddenly finds their partner wanting children when previously they said they didn’t. Either way it’s heartbreaking to have to consider this as a make or break point in a relationship. And it’s one thing to say “well you need to screen potential partners right away on this subject” but people actually do change their minds, sometimes. Sometimes the deeper a person falls in love with a person, the more the idea of having a child with them actually becomes appealing when it never had been before.

    But, I would definitely council no one to be deceptive, to try to “trap” a spouse into a baby that person didn’t want. That’s just a sure fire recipe for resentment, and childfree forums are filled with depressed people who were either tricked into becoming a parent or gave in to pressure and now are miserable, aren’t feeling the love they know they are supposed to for a child that was not their choice to have in the first place. And I think that’s a horrible place for a child to be, a bad environment to grow up in. I can deal with my own personal grief at times over not having a child and enjoy the happiness I have with my partner. I don’t know if I could deal with bringing a child into a world where my partner never wanted him or her and would be unable to be the kind of father that child deserved to have.

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  4. I am happy to have found this site and somewhere to talk about my probable childlessness and my great debate as to whether to move on or stay where I am. I am 39 and in a 3 year relationship with a man who has two older teens from his first marriage and a young child from a previous relationship. She was not planned, well, not by him anyway. He loves being a dad but financially the stress of child support has taken a toll and he simply can’t afford any more children anytime soon. Plus he has had kids since he was 18 and looks forward to the days that he can do the things many of us got to do in our 20s as far as traveling and exploring the world. Interesting side note, he is younger than me. I am pretty much the exact opposite. I have always been single, this is my first serious relationship and I’ve always been on the fence about having children. Some days I am truly jealous of everyone and their babies and other days I’m grateful for the quiet and freedom I can have in my life. I have health issues where I just don’t know that having a baby would be a good idea and if I would have the stamina I would need to do it. And I don’t want to do it on my own. I have considered adoption or fostering as a very viable option at some point down the road and he has always thought about it too. But then I see my nieces and nephew and his kids, particularly his baby, and I just wonder if I will regret not having a child. I know I would be a great mom and I know I will be the best step mom I can be if it ever came to a point that we got married. That damn clock is ticking though….then this morning he brings up the fact that he wants to get a vasectomy before the end of the year and before his insurance changes at work. It made me very emotional, partly because the choice would be taken from me as to having a biological child and partly because I still don’t know what I really want…I have numerous friends that are couples who have chosen to only have fur babies and they love their lives together. I just don’t want to regret it…I am an indecisive person by nature and always struggle with making decisions and the regret of what-ifs in most areas of my life…I just don’t know if leaving at this point would be worth the risk of losing a relationship I love for the maybe of finding someone and having a child I’m not 100% sure I want to have. But then there’s the chance that the relationship won’t work out either and I’ll be mid 40s, single and childless. It’s just the fact of having that choice taken from me that is difficult. I know some of you out there can understand, I hope anyway.

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    • Oh Marie, so many choices. Sometimes I think life was easier back in the days when most people got married once, then had children because that was the way it went. Nobody knows what will happen in the future or how they will feel about it. What does your gut tell you now. Is this THE GUY? Would it hurt more to lose him or the children you’re not even sure you want? Yes, it stinks having the choice taken away from you. Keep talking about it with your man. I hope you can work it out.

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      • Thank you for the reply Sue. Honestly, my gut changes it’s mind day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I think he’s the one. Like I said, I’m an indecisive person so I don’t know anything for sure I feel…we are very opposite but that keeps it interesting…I just worry it will drive us apart eventually. I hope not…I just wish this had come along 10 years ago not at this time.

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    • I am in the same boat. I have been with my partner for 7 years. He is divorce with three teenage sons. He does not anymore children and I do. He told me at first he wants to have a child with me, but we have moved closer to his children he says he is halpy with his three children and wants no more. He told.me in chose me and I shoild be halpy, but he doesn’t want to marry me. So on Christmas eve I said I am not waiting any longer. I have given him 7 years supported him both emotionally and financially for this time. I have looked after his children when he didn’t know what to do. He says I shoupd be happy as his “kids” are mine, which he doesnt understand they are not a part of me. I feel used for 7 years to know find out that he doesn’t see us married. I have never been married before. He got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 22 and married her. She trapped him with child 2 and child 3. Does it make me selfish to want more in my life and relationship.

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      • No it does not make you selfish. Looking after a partners children is not the same as your own. I feel the same as you. My partner said he wanted kids and now he doesn’t. I love him but I don’t want to waste my time with him and not get what I want. He’s been married before and has a little girl. I hope you get what you want. Either he changes his mind or you leave and get the dreams you’ve hoped for x

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  5. ‘m 27 this yr and I’ve been with my partner now for a bit over 6 yrs he is alot older than me at 44. I know the age gap is large but that’s not the issue I want to address. I went into our relationship being very open and honest in my wants for the future and that marriage and children was to play a key role. He has a child from a previous relationship so before we got together I asked repeatedly if he wanted more children. I never got a 100% yes out of him it was always I’m not sure yet but probably a bit later down the track. Given our age gap and that the relationship really hadn’t started yet that response was good enough for me at 20yrs old to see what the relationship evolves into. 3yrs later and madly in love I’m still receive the same response to my questioning as to if he wants more kids. Even tho all of my friends and family were starting to settle downand get married I still wasn’t worried. We’re in love. I had made my feelings on the subject very clear he knew without a shadow of a doubt in his mind how important having kids is to me. Then one day out if the blue while he was getting the lawn mower outboard the shed he turned to me and said and I quote “you know what babe I’ve decided I don’t want to have any more kids not now not ever.” Turned back around and pushed the mower outboard the shed started it and off he went. I was so dumbfounded bye what he said it took a couple of days to actually sink in I just kept replaying what he said and how he said it I just kept thinking what’s happened what’s changed why all of a sudden out of knowwhere it’s a no a bleeping fing no I couldn’t understand if he didn’t want kids he should of been up front about it before we got serious so all I could think was he wouldn’t do that to me it must of been something I had done. Maybe he didn’t like the way I was with his child or maybe maybe so many maybes. I ended up writing this huge letter pouring my heart and soul into it practicality begging for an answer as to why what changed and unfortunately I never really received on apart from I just don’t which is not by any means good enough when your talking about another party being expected to give up such a large part of what makes me a woman. That maternal instinct that no matter how hard I try I can’t seen to squash into silence. Oh I wish it would go away…ne way to cut what is becoming a extremely long-winded story…… We are now 3 more years into our relationship with some small advancement as to reasons and what not but in those three years my heart has broken and my soul is dying. Sometimes it hurts so much and the pain and longing becomes so unbearable I’ve at moments seriously considered taking out my bits to make the pain go away. I’ve almost lost my best friend of 15yrs because I fell to pieces when she told me she was pregnant a week after my man dropped his atomic bomb. Thankfully now we r okay but it cost me the title of godmother and for that grand mistake I will never forgive myself. I can no longer go into large shopping centres as I cannot bare to see all the parents and children the way the little ones stare at you feels like their looking right into my soul and then my heart crumbles. I lost my job as a coach for crying during classes. I.haven’t been thru in mybhead all the I’ll nevers…I’ll never be pregnant. I’ll never give birth… I’ll never read a bed time story… I’ll never get to feel the unconditional love between a parent and a child. Every time I think I’ve made my way to the end of the list I see a new moment on TV or a friend will tell me a new story or my partners kid will get his first car..or see my parents melt over their first grandchild I die a little bit inside. It hurts so much all the time. Every time I think alright you’ve done it you’ve finally after all this time accepted it and put it behind myself something will happen and I’ll fall right back into that black hole of despair, longingless and I hate to admit but outright blind jealousy. Its has been the hardest lonelist 3yrs of my life and trust me when I say (yes I know at my age u won’t believe me) but wholly cow have I had some dodgy ones and I’ve also overcome alot of crap that most people couldn’t even dream about dealing with in their entire life time let alone a mear 26 of them but this one I just can’t seem to overcome. It won’t go away it’s with me always and I just want it to stop. Please make it stop I don’t want to feel like this anymore….why should I have to loose the love of my life to make the pain stop. And then if I did there is no guarantee I’ll ever get the opportunity to love like this again let alone find someone to have children with. I am such a mess I don’t know what to do anymore

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    • It sounds like deep down, you know what to do, which is why you are in so much pain. Your partner owed you a frank exchange of views and feelings, not just say what he wants and turning away. Maybe that’s not exactly how it happened but that’s what it felt like and has been feeling like ever since. I have always put my partner’s wishes before my own, and I think many women do. You are young and have time, but love is very powerful. Self love, and self respect are the most important, though. Think carefully about what you want and deserve. What would you tell your best friend if she was in your situation? Either way, it won’t be easy, but please give yourself at least the same consideration you are giving your partner.

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    • Hi there. I’ve been up all night looking for answers to what I’m going through and found this great blog. I’m in such I mess. I’m 45 and my girlfriend is 26. We have been together for almost 5 years.
      I met my partner not long after I split up from a 10 year marriage which was painful. When we met I knew there was an age gap, but we were just having fun but then the fun turned into love and meeting families. Next thing she moved in and holidays we had a ball. We really do get on. She digs at me about my age but only in jest.
      I have a child from a relationship when I was 18 and she has a child now. Yes I’m a grandad. My 10-year marriage was leading up to having children, but it never happened.
      So from then on I said I never wanted kids as I feel I’m too old and loved my life as it was with the holidays, meals out whenever we wanted and nice house and clothes, I told my girlfriend this a year into our relationship and she told me after a few days that she loves me and that’s more important than kids.
      Now almost 4 years on, she gave me two choices: to give her a child and marriage or there is no point us going on. This went on for 6 months. I kept putting it off because I did not want to lose her. Yesterday when we were waking the dog she asked me again and I said I did not want kids and that’s it, I told you this years ago. She said I was hoping you would have changed your mind.

      After long thought I decided to pack my bags and leave and go and live with my mother for a while as I have rented my apartment out. I always knew in the back of my head this would happen. It’s so sad. We really do get on so well in every way, but I feel I’m holding her back with want she wants. I suppose the age gap thing does play a part because you naturally do one thing before the other.
      I packed my stuff and waited till she got home from work. She was upset and shocked that I was leaving. She wanted me to stay, but only if I would get married and have kids I felt I had no say in the matter so I left.

      Now I’m at my mum’s and I feel so lost. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. I’m a mess. I could have had everything. Now I have nothing because someone wanted to marry me and have my kids and I did not. I wanted it as it was. Am I a total idiot? Please tell me that the phrase If you love someone, set them free is right. Thank you. Wayne.

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      • Wayne, I feel for both of you. I understand the woman’s side, hoping that magic will happen and things will change, that she’ll get the marriage and children she wants. I also see your side. You said you didn’t want kids, and you haven’t changed your mind. Are you an idiot? Only you can figure that out. But maybe you are right to set her free. I wish you both the best.

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  6. I have been with my husband for 12 years, together for 10 years and married for 2. I am 28 and I love him more than words can express, after all we did start dating when I was 15, he’s my one true love but perhaps that is why I have put up with so much over the years. He is a stubborn man to say the least, but I can see past his rough exterior. He grew up with a single mom and a dad who left, remarried and saw his new wife’s kids as his own and no longer gave the time of day to his own biological children. To say this past has had a detrimental effect on my husband is an understatement, yet he would never admit to it. My first battle I had to overcome with him was marriage, it took me 10 years to convince him that marriage was special and meant something. Now more recently the argument is over having children. I desperately want to experience motherhood and having a family of my own and his answer is a firm no. He is so wonderful with everyone else’s children, yet deep down there is something holding him back from having a family of his own and I am absolutely sure it stems from his messed up family dynamics as a kid. I’ve tried so hard to convince him but I just don’t know if I will ever get through to him. As each day passes I think about it more and more, it consumes me.

    Well yesterday I packed up the dog and left, I don’t know what is going to happen. I am scared because I love him so much but he fails to see the benefits of our future together. I am at a loss and am trying to remain positive that just maybe us being gone will be the reality check he needed. I am at a loss for words and my heart is broken. I just feel like yelling at the top of my lounges “what did I do to deserve this???”

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    • Anonymous 87, I did not see that last paragraph coming. You and the dog being gone ought to trigger something, one way or the other. You have stuck with him for a long time. I hope you find a happy resolution to this somehow.

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    • Congratulations on being strong and putting yourself first. I had a very similar experience, I had to fight to get married and then tried fighting for the right to be a mother and lost. He never wanted children and his mind was never changed. I never had the courage to leave and start over and the time slipped by, leaving no choice but to make peace with it and try to focus on other things in life.

      Maybe this will be the reality check that he needs but even if it isn’t, there will be someone else who will be able to give you the life you deserve. I know 28 doesn’t feel young now. I was 28 when I got married and I felt like I was already the last one to do so and it was far too late to start a new life, but I realize now that it wasn’t. Not even close.

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      • Just a little bit of an update that might give some of you hope and perhaps some strength. A week after I left, my husband asked me to come back home and agreed to go to counselling. I was extremely skeptical at his willingness to participate in counselling at first, but after our first session he surprised me and actually opened up to the therapist quite a bit. I think he has had a bit of a reality check and an attitude change. That’s not to say that all of our problems are solved, we have agreed to continue going to counselling to discuss our future together. He said he cannot make me any promises as to whether he will change his mind towards wanting kids one day but he can promise that he will keep working on his underlying issues. So we are making some progress but I do not want to get my hopes up at this point so I am taking it one day at a time. I am so use to fighting for him, so when I was down and unsure as to whether it was worth trying to save our marriage he said to me “let me fight for you this time,” that meant a lot. Maybe there is hope after all…we’ll see I guess. I’m going to do my best to stay strong and avoid falling back into old habits, I’m choosing to fight for what I want, a big change is coming soon but regardless of what it is, it will be a change for the better.

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  7. I feel everyone’s agony. I have been tormenting myself for months now, day in and day out, searching for something to force my hand to make the decision to stay in my relationship (which is loving and caring with the best man i’ve known) v. leaving. I’m nearing 37. I’ve always wanted kids. I’d be an amazing mother. My partner is young. He’s 33. He most likely does not want children but “may change his mind one day”. He doesn’t view my age as problem because we are both ok with adoption. However, I’m petrified of living childless and having this inherent sadness for the rest of my years. I don’t have that now, meaning, i’m not sad that i don’t have kids now…..but i think that is because I still feel like it’s an option…..of course that is if I leave. I’m also petrified of leaving and having this inherent sadness of missing my partner for the rest of my years. What I don’t find anyone to love this greatly again? What if I end up alone. Or, I settle, to have a family but my husband and father of my children doesn’t hold a candle to my partner now? I’m petrified of making the wrong decision: paralyzing me. We have been together for three years now and it’s time to make a decision and be at peace with it. but, how?

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    • Sarah,
      I wish I could tell you what do do, but you have to go with your gut. You’re happy right now, just worrying about how you will feel in the future. Nobody knows what’s going to happen. Take a breath and let it ride for a while. Maybe he’ll surprise you.

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      • I wish my gut wasn’t 50/50. Also, I feel like i’ve been letting it ride for quite some time and the more time that goes by the more i worry that i am setting myself up for disappointment. this is torture. he is young and his mind might change….but my gut tells me that is unlikely. my gut tells me that a life with him will probably be without children – with a slight chance of him surprising me…..
        i fear resenting him in the future.
        i fear leaving and missing him the rest of my life too.

        ARGH. maybe i should flip a coin and not look back.

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    • My husband and I are both your husband’s age. I have been getting the “not yet, but eventually” for two years now, despite almost 7 years of marriage (15 years together), financial stability, a home and lots of friends with young kids.
      At this point, I realize that this is causing me to love him less. The love is being replaced with resentment at being dragged along and his inability to understand my pain. I feel like he is coming around and we will start trying soon and have been feeling better, but I have a deadline in my mind just in case and am keeping the possibility of disappointment in my mind. If he keeps dragging it out, I am going to leave. Being alone is preferable to living in a marriage full of resentment and hurt, which is how I will continue feeling, even if he is great in other aspects.
      If I or he were infertile, I would be ok with that. I would be upset but would handle it even if he said “wait one more year, but for sure then.” Its the not knowing and leaving it open ended, not being able to discuss it, not being able to plan my life that is eating at me.

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      • Yes. Well, the good thing is that you are very young. So, if you were going to leave, you have so much time. That said, I also think that if you said you were going to leave, he would say let’s do it. now. he wouldn’t let you walk out the door. And, if he did, then that’s your answer. The “eventually” was what you relied on. I would marry my partner now too if that is what I was getting. However, I’m getting, “not sure but probably not”…… I guess I should leave….knowing that….it’s just so.damn.hard. i love him. so.very.much.

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  8. I’m 30 and my husband is 28 together for 8 yrs married for 5 yrs. We have tried the whole relationship for children, he said he could take it or leave it either way from the beginning. We now have to do IVF due to issues with me and now that we are so close to starting treatment, has announced he doesnt want children anymore. He has agreed to one child because he promised me when we married. I love him so much and only want to have his kids or its not worth it – wont lose love of my life… what do I do? I dont want to have a baby and risk losing him later on because it wasnt what he really wanted. I’m so torn – I dont think I can get over not having children it used to be a deal breaker for me but now we have been married 5 years cant live without my best friend. I feel hurt he waited so long to tell me. I feel cheated.

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    • Hurt and Confused, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.I can’t tell you what to do. If he’s willing to try for one,maybe you can keep trying and see what happens. Remind him you had a deal. I hope you can work it out.

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  9. I’m so glad to find this site. I’m 34 (female), divorced, no children. I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for three years with a man in his late 40s who already has two children and has had a vasectomy. I always was on the fence about kids but lately I’m wondering if I’ll wake up in 10 years with regrets. The flip side – as you all well know – is that I don’t know if I’ll (a) find another wonderful man out there (b) who wants kids and (c) I’m physically able to have children with him. This is a much more difficult decision than I realized. Any insights – especially from those who made the decision to stay, rather than seek what-could-be, would be appreciated.

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    • Hi Diane. I wish I knew the answer to your question. We can’t predict the future. I did stay with my man, and I can’t imagine ever finding anyone else who would have been better or who would have loved me more. Like your guy, he was in his late 40s, already had children and had had a vasectomy. We were well suited to each other in every way. I didn’t really get that staying with him meant that I would never have my own children. I was in denial for years. I did have his kids. One of them lived with us for eight years, so i did have a mothering experience. It’s an impossible choice, but if it feels good now, maybe you shouldn’t worry too much about 10 years from now.

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  10. I am over a year into dating a man with three children (4girl, 8boy, 10boy) And am on the verge of making the decision whether or not to move to be with him (200miles apart) I’ve met his kids and they’re lovely and like me too. I do have jealousy issues of the biological mothers and them having to be in his life and that they share something like that with him and that he has to have contact with them. The 2nd BM(with the 4yr old) messages him about six or seven times per day, which I think is too excessive.

    After his ex used to him to have his last baby, he had a vasectomy. I don’t think he’d be raring to go for more children, but he’s said to me that he wouldn’t be against having another child and would try in a few years for a reversal, only problem is that I’m 34 now so am on the verge of panic with that. And I know there’s a chance it wouldn’t work anyway, but I would love to try. even though in some ways I like not having children because of the freedom, but being with a man with children, you can’t have full freedom anyway. and I do have strong maternal instincts.

    I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before and he’s the same. We’ve talked of marriage and everything, it’s just all this about the jealousy of the BMs and him having kids and me not. If we didn’t ever they would be a constant reminder of what I’ll never have. But then again I can’t imagine leaving him just in the hopes of finding love again as it’s took me this long to find him.

    I’m just so confused right now. I really do love him and want to be with him. Everyone’s telling me that being a stepmother is going to make the rest of my life hell if I go through with it, that scares me, I’m a worrier anyway. I just finally want a happy love filled life, but all I have right now is constant stress over thinking it all and being scared of doing anything.

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    • I am have been with my greatest love since I was 33. He says he doesn’t want kids, but ‘may’ change his mind later in life. I’m now 37 and still paralyzed from fear of staying and regretting not being a mother and from the fear of leaving and never finding a great love like this again. it’s unbearable. What I can tell you now is that I WISH i forced myself to make this decision when I was 34. 34 is still very young. Leave and get what you want. All of it. The whole package. The family. Stay positive and move forward.

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      • Thank you for your reply. I just feel that if I leave a man who I’ve waited 34 years to find, that kind of love might not happen again it hasn’t before, and I’m not the kind to want a baby with just any man. He knows I want a baby and has said he’ll try in a year or two, but I know whatever choice I make now is the one.
        I just can’t imagine my life without him. It’s a cross roads between things I don’t want to choose on, I want him and I want to have a baby with him if that’s meant to be. I’m just nervous about making such a big life decision to move to be with him and with everything else included. He does want me to be a part of his family and already treats me as such, maybe the fact he’s willing to try for a baby with me is a plus in his favour, I’m just so confused, everyone’s telling me to leave him but I just love him so much.
        Me and him are going to be having another serious talk soon where I’ll raise the issue again and see if he’s still willing, that is if everything is ok with me because you never know, I could leave him and then if I did happen to find someone to be with find that I couldn’t have children and I’d have left him for no reason. This all just goes around in my head constantly.

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      • Maria, you don’t have to leave him. Get yourself checked out and see if you can wait a year and let him know you’re willing to do that if he’s willing to try for a baby. I hope you can work it out.

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      • Oh, I misunderstood. If he’s willing to have children with you in a year what is the problem? Sounds like you’ve got all you want.

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  11. My spouse of four years recently changed their mind, and no longer wants children. I’m almost 34.
    I’ve decided that I’m going to see a couples counsellor together, and if there’s no room for change, then I need to leave.
    My heart feels devastated, they’re the first person I’ve truly given my heart too, the first person I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’m so scared to walk away, but I know I just cannot live with the regret.
    Reading this page helped me to feel a little less alone. Thank you all for sharing, and thank you Sue for creating this space.

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  12. I am 38 and have been with a man I am so very in love with but he doesn’t want children. It is very frustrating to see him get so excited about his baby nephew, to hold him and love him up. But he does not want children of his own. I always think it must be me? It hurts so much and most of the time I am fine. I am so happy with him and life is good. But I don’t know if I should stay. I don’t know how to stop wanting a child. I am starting to resent him as he used to have conversations with me about what our kids would be like. And said he would consider a reversal of his vasectomy. Now he is saying it won’t happen. It breaks my heart. But I also feel I won’t find another and be happy and still be of a safe age to have kids even if I found someone else I would want children with.
    It’s a pain I hate having and I can’t go to his family functions because I can’t hold back the tears if I see him playing with his nephew and now his sister is pregnant…i hate life sometimes!!!

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  13. I am 30 years old and for 29 years I looked for the man of my dreams and always thought I didn’t deserve children or Marriage and I convinced myself of that. I convinced myself I didn’t want children (I think it was easier to say I don’t want kids than to look I failed). And now I have found him I found the love of my life, and when I met him I told him I didn’t want children and neither did he. About a month or so a go we had a woopy and I fell pregnant and had a miss carage. Since then I can’t stop thinking about being a mom it like kicked my biological clock into first gear, but my partner is still not intrested in having kids to the point that tonight he told me he is off for a vasectomy. I feel absolutely devastated, can not stop crying. And to top it off I swear almost all of my friends and family are announcing their pregnancy’s. I don’t think I can leave him because I love him so much but this pain that I feel tonight is worse than how I felt when I miss carried. I think its because I now realise, if he does this I will never ever be a mommy! Please can you ladies let me know do you ever learn to live with the idea of not having kids.

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    • Oh Nicole, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You got excited about being a mother, and then, blam, miscarriage. Not fair. And now he’s getting a vasectomy without talking to you about it. Hold on. Maybe you don’t have to stay with this guy. It is not too late at 30 to find someone else. I promise you it isn’t. I married the love of my life at 33. But if you do decide to stay, know that you assured him from the get-go that you didn’t want kids, and he assumed you meant it forever. People do change their minds, but he might not. I hope you can find a way to work this out.

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  14. I’m 31 and I was in a 2 year relationship with someone I adored. He told me from the start that he didn’t want kids or marriage. I have always wanted children and thought that due to him being younger than me he might change his mind, he didn’t! So I made the choice to leave. I spent a year single… evaluating my life and what I truely wanted and kids was defo on the list. Back tracking a little I have PCOS and a twisted womb and been told I may struggle to conceive naturally or have kids at all. So after a year single I met a guy on a dating site and we hit it off from the start. I told him what I wanted kids either my own or to adopt etc and he agreed that that’s what he wanted too. 9 months down the line he’s told me that he doesn’t want any more kids he has 1 from previous relationship. I love him so much but so scared to lose him. Do I sacrifice what I want to stay with someone I love or walk away. I don’t want to regret not trying for kids but scared that if I walk away and can’t have kids I’ve lost two people I love for chasing a dream that can’t happen. What should I do?

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    • Cbear, I wish I knew what to tell you. I can’t believe it happened to you twice. That’s just not fair. Have you reminded him that he said he wanted kids when you got together? What is his response? There’s still time to work it out or look for someone else, but I wish this hadn’t happened to you. Hang in there. If you read the comments on this site, you will see that you are far from alone.

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      • Thanks Sue, I did remind him and he said that he’s just changed his mind. He doesn’t want to be 50 with kids on tow. I did remind him that my parents are in their 60’s with kids on tow but he fails to see it. I am really hoping that he changes his mind ( not holding my breath tho). I love him dearly and maybe being together a bit longer may make him realise that if I do walk away it will be his loss. I feel so sad for people who’s only dream is to have a child and been messed about so much. I spoke to an old friend ( male friend) the other day and he said to just go with the flow and see how the next year goes. If your having fun and enjoying each other’s company then why not stick together if your heart is still saying kids then walk away. I have decided to do a fertility test and then I know for sure how fertile I am that will answer a lot of questions

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  15. I’m 28, my boyfriend is 32. I definitely do not want children. He does.
    We are both each other’s first loves. We both say “I love you” every day, and every day we say something we love about the other person. Not an explicit rule or anything, just a habit we’ve developed as a couple.
    I think he sees me as a potential life partner or wife. We’ve met each other’s families and friends, even talked about moving in together soon. He knew early on in the relationship that I don’t want kids.
    However, last night we were talking and I asked him if he still wanted them. He said yes, but sometime down the line. I then asked him that, since I’m firmly childfree…if it would be a deal breaker down the line. He said he didn’t know.
    I don’t know what I need to do now. I don’t want to deprive him of fatherhood, but I don’t want to get into something that I don’t want either. I’ve never had a maternal instinct, and the sound of children screaming or crying makes me step out of the room; I can’t stand the sound.
    Should I cut my losses, and give him the time to find someone who will give him children? I love him deeply, and losing him will hurt, but I know losing me will hurt him too. But is it a necessary hurt to avoid lifelong disappointment?

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    • Anonymous 12345, this is just one person’s opinion, but I don’t think you have to do anything. It is your boyfriend’s decision to make. He knows where you stand and that you are not likely to change your mind. You have given him all the facts. Ultimately he has to figure out whether he can live with it. I hope you can work it out. It sounds like you have a great relationship.

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  16. My DH is over twenty years my senior and has two adopted kids from his first marriage. (They’re close to my age.)

    Before we got married, DH said he wanted kids. I wanted five (LOL), but he insisted we could only have two. He said we’d do whatever it took to have a family – fertility treatment, adoption… He also said he’d work right up to retirement age, thus giving me time to be with our future children when they were young.

    So…kids didn’t come along on. (Won’t go into the details, but I’m fairly certain it was down to his diabetes and some other matters.) He took early retirement without discussing it with me, meaning that I was left stressed wondering how I could be a mother if I was going to have to keep working full time. (To be fair, he was stressed with work and his diabetes.)

    He then told me he’d leave me if I insisted on fertility treatment, so I hung on, hoping for the best.Then, I discovered I was eligible to adopt from my late father’s native country. I got so excited. I told husband, and he told me I was on my own.

    I stayed and hoped for the best.

    I had what appeared to be a couple of very early miscarriages – I won’t go into the gory details. By then I was in my forties. I hoped we might be luckier next time round. Then husband needed a triple bypass – the open heart variety.

    That was the end of that.

    A few years ago, he had a stroke. I work full time and I’m his carer. He can do a lot for himself, but he needs me to help him shower and so on.

    I’ll never leave him and I still love him, but (as I’ve said elsewhere on here) I hate what he’s done to me.

    If I had known how things were going to turn out, I would not have married him. That sounds harsh, but so far as I’m concerned, he lied to me. He keeps telling me he loves me, but if he really loved me, surely he wold have kept his promise?

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  17. I have the opposite problem. Most on this website have been denied children in one way or another. My problem is that I do not want to have children and I never have. My fiancé is having second thoughts because he wants kids. He thinks I would be a wonderful mother and has told me so many times that he wants me to have his children. We both have never had sex and we are waiting for marriage. We have been together for 3 years and are in our mid twenties. I have so much anxiety about getting pregnant after marriage that sometimes I think it would be better if I became a nun. If I got pregnant we both know that I would keep it because abortion is out of the question for us both. I feel guilty because I don’t want to get married and have him desperately hoping for an “accident.” He says that he can live with it, but I don’t want him to grow to resent me and be unhappy. His brother who is barely older already has 3 children and his younger brother is planning on having several with his new wife. I don’t want him to have to watch them all be big happy families and grow to be jealous of them. Like I said before, he says he can live with it, but sometimes he makes snide remarks like “well, I will have to pass this down to my brother’s kids because I guess I’m not having any.”

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  18. Thank you everyone for writing your stories. I am 35 and have been with my 40 year old boyfriend for 5 years, living together for four. We both have good, stable jobs. We talked about kids briefly as a someday idea when we first got together, then last year more seriously. I was nervous about how our lives would change, how it would impact my career, but decided it was a good time to try as neither of us are getting younger. Though he always thought he’d have kids, he had reservations because of his age and us living in an expensive city without family close by.

    We decided to start trying at the beginning of the summer. Over the weekend we talked about household budgets (we have separate finances and I’m interested in joining some of it for our shared expenses), planning for a house in the future, etc, and during the conversation kids came up and my partner said he has been relieved every time I get a negative pregnancy test. I was crushed, not how I envisioned starting a family. I tried to listen calmly and without judgement to hear his thoughts. We have a lot to sort through as I want marriage, a house, and child, with someone who is an equal, excited and willing partner (hopefully him) and he is unsure on all fronts now. I told him to take a week to think about what he wants his life to look like long term and we’ll talk again next weekend. I said once he makes his decision then I’ll have to make mine.

    Now I’m trying to decide if I want to stay with someone who isn’t forthright on openly communicating with me on big issues, as I am the one who usually starts talks. Our relationship is mostly good. If he does decide he wants different things than me then I’ll have to decide if it is worth staying with him even though I may not get to have kids or if I should separate to try to find a different equal and willing partner. I’m anticipating a trying few weeks ahead. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated!

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    • Hi Marie. Is it possible that he was just being very honest about the fact that he’s worried and frightened by all the change that would come with having a child? Did he out and out say he did not want to have children with you? You admit to being nervous about the changes and what it would do to your career? As long as it’s still open for discussion, I wouldn’t rush to break to up.

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  19. Thank you for this blog. I have found it very comforting over the last few days as my wife and I struggle with a very big life decision. I am a 49 year old man, my wife is 33 so you can see we have a big age difference. We have been married for 5 years (together for 6) — this is both our first marriage and we do not have children. I have never really had a strong interest in having children, and before we were married, I expressed that to my then fiance, and she was in agreement that kids were not a priority for her either. We therefore agreed that I would have a vasectomy when I was 45. We were happy, our marriage was great and it seemed we were both satisfied.

    Fast forward four years and my wife has had a change of heart. She has been thinking and struggling with this for the last year, but she definitively wants children. She has said to me that she is OK doing this alone, but would prefer if we stay together and raise a child together. Obviously the vasectomy prevents me from conceiving, but my wife is fine if we adopt.

    I love her very much and want to do what’s right, but I am still not sure I want to be a parent. My decision is difficult — stay with my wife, my love of my life, and commit to raising a child in my 50’s and 60’s, or we divorce, for me to remain childless, and my wife to pursue her dream of being a mother without me. I am in good health and hope to be so for many years to come, but this changes all of my preconceived notions of what the next stage of my life will look like. I also understand and fully support my wife’s decision. She will most likely outlive me and is in a different place in her life.

    I plan to seek counseling to help with my decision. Any words of wisdom or support are appreciated.
    Thank you,
    Eric

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    • Eric,
      Thank you for sharing your story with us. It reminds me of my own situation. My husband and I were about the same ages when we got married, but he had already had the vasectomy before we met. We talked about adoption or trying to have the vasectomy reversed, but ultimately he just didn’t want to start with babies at his age. Understandable. I never thought about leaving him, but I missed something I had always wanted. and now that he’s gone, there’s a great gap where my children and grandchildren might have been. I urge you to consider giving the love of your life what she needs. There are lots of older dads these days. I’m sure others will disagree with me, but that’s my totally biased opinion.

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    • I too have a very biased opinion about this. I totally get where you are coming from. I only wish to express my opinion of what I would do in this situation.

      Kids are ALOT of work, it’s the craziest full time job you could ever imagine. At your age it would be extremely tiring and expensive. However, kids present you with an opportunity to pass on something truly inconceivable when you think about it. A lineage.

      I’m not saying you have to pass on a craft or dreams to your child. In fact I would discourage forcing any path on a child. More along the lines of thinking about all of the infinite number of pairings and circumstances that had to fall into place for you to be alive today. Your great great grandparents had to meet and sacrifice to have kids, great grandparents, grandparents, parents then you are here. And it goes much further back than that. I see children as an opportunity to honor the sacrifices of our ancestors and see it pass on and evolve to the next generation. This is no different if the child is adopted or biological. Just another way to look at it.

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  20. Hi I have been with my boyfriend almost 5 years we are the best of friends and I love him more than anything. We’ve travled together and enjoy most of the same things. Kids have always been a yes in my life I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Early in our relationship my boyfriend said he didn’t want kids never and never changing his mind. We both ignored it until a couple months ago our friends got pregnant and everyone started asking him when we would have a baby. He told me it opened his eyes and that he felt we should talk about him letting me go so that I could be happy and find someone who wanted to give me those things. Of course I felt like he ripped my heart out and I immediately said if I can’t have a family with him I don’t want one. He didn’t say a word. I don’t know what to do. Do I leave the man who I feel is the love of my life for children ? For another man who might be a good father but not who I’m completely in love with? My boyfriend is everything I’ve ever wanted except he’s willing to let me go, should that tell me something ?

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    • Dear Anonymous, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to know whether to think his willingness to let you go is an expression of how much he loves you or how maybe he’s not as attached as you are. I guess you have to figure out how important having children is to you. It’s not an easy decision. I wish you all the best.

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    • Hi,

      I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is so hard when you love someone so much and they are willing to just let you go. Despite them telling you how much they love you. I have been with my fella nearly a year and i always planned to have kids. I told him from the very start that i wanted kids and he was all up for it. Now he has changed his mind. He has given me an altimatum to leave and persue my dream of having kids or stay with the man i love and dont have kids. We split up recently because i couldn’t imagine my life without kids and he didn’t want me to regret staying with him and not having what i wanted. It lasted a week and we are now back together. Our relationship is stronger now than ever before but he still wont commit to having a baby. I have put a year on it and will see where we are in another year. i know that we only been together a year and it is early days to talk about having kids together but he is so dead set against no children that i feel that i should walk away rather than waste another year. If he hasn’t changed his mind then i will have to make the strong decision to walk away as hard as it will be. A love for a child will be stronger than anything. I will even do it alone if it means that i get a child that i want.

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  21. I was in this exact situation. we went to therapy over it. and we broke up. i’m scared i’ll never find someone like him again. i’m petrified that i’ll never love so deeply again. it’s been a month since the split and i’m constantly worried i made the wrong decision. but, i made it because you get ONE life. One chance to try and get everything you want in life. The fear of being 60 and childless was too great to bear. The fear of a regret so large and consuming was too big of a risk. even if i don’t get the whole package, at least i can say I tried. at least I put me first in my life.

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    • Sarah I’m glad to hear your side of things and how strong you are for making that decision. Another hard thing that makes me question my decision is you never know how long your going to be in this world so is having fun and enjoying my time with him now and living in the present what I should do or should I leave and plan for the future? I ask myself this because my mother died when I was 15 she was only 44 years old. Do I want to leave a child without there mother. I know this is a major what if but its all I think about .

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  22. Hey Everyone,

    What a great site. I am 26 years old and my girlfriend is about to turn 30. We first started dating in college after we met in our Japanese class. Not 4 months into our relationship she got a job teaching English in Japan. So we did long distance for awhile. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I would wake up at 4 am to speak with her right before bed, all after working a full time job and taking 20 units. I was stressed out all the time and having panic attacks thinking the distance would destroy us. At 21 I ended up losing a bunch of my hair. I worked furiously in Japanese to get an opportunity to study abroad in Japan so I could be closer to her. I finally got the opportunity and I lived only an hour by train away from her..We came home together after a year and lived together while I finished school (just 1 semester). We went through every test you could imagine during that time and had plenty more trials afterwards: moving across the country for family reasons, almost losing our dog, financial strain, and even a “friend” trying to break us up. I feel like we went through all of this because we care deeply about each other, and I honestly felt like nothing can tear us apart. We have been together now for almost 6 years.

    Until recently…

    For the first 3 years of our relationship she said she wanted to have kids, this started changing about 2 years ago when her parents split up in a very dramatic fashion after 30 years of marriage and a psychotic break down. We had to move to be closer to her mother so my girlfriend could help take care of her. She gave up her dream job and I had to drop my career as well. We have since found new jobs that are ok for now but we want to get back to where we were and continue down our path to getting married and having kids.

    While the marriage bit hasn’t changed 2 nights ago she hit me with the “I don’t want to have kids now and I don’t know if I will ever.” I had suspected this because she has felt a little tied down because of our dog and always expressed an interest in traveling more. Still this was different and she had been working up the courage to have a talk with me about this for awhile. She disclosed this information to me scared I would break up with her on the spot but as you can read from my long winded story above I love this woman with all of my heart. She reassured me that this wasn’t an attempt to get me to break up with her and that she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her.

    However, this doesn’t change the fact that I always envisioned a future raising a child or children with her. While I feel I am not ready to have kids right now, I want to have the option in the future, I don’t want to break up with her, but I am scared one of us may resent the other if we don’t come to an agreement on this issue. I don’t want to let her go, but I also dont want to deprive her of the opportunity of finding someone else who she sees eye to eye on this. Do we suffer some heartache now so that we may find happiness down the line in separate paths or do we stay the course having faith we can work it out? I want the latter, but I am afraid it is the wrong decision for he and myself.

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    • Trued,
      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish I knew the answer. It’s the same dilemma we keep reading about here at Childless by Marriage. They are both in love, but one doesn’t want children and the other does. What to do? In the end, I guess you have to decide which you want more, to stay with your girlfriend or to have children. Nobody should have to make this choice, but there it is. Readers, do you have any thoughts?

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      • if you will regret never having kids – you will likely resent her in the future. if you can see yourself living a fulfilled life with her, without kids, and not having that regret, then roll the dice and see how it plays out together.

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    • I’m so sorry your having to go through this. I feel exactly the same as you. I love my man with all my heart and the thought of losing him literally makes me feel sick and my heart ache. I have put a year on things. I’m praying that in at least 1 years time we might be able to discuss the kids thing again as at the moment we are not discussing the issue. he doesn’t want any more kids he has a 1 from previous relationship. The prob I am finding at the moment is that the longer I stay with him the more I love him and don’t want to leave him. But I know I would regret not trying for a child of my own in the future. I love kids and can’t imagine my life without having one. So I’m just having to go with my gut and pray that in 1 years time he’s prepared to have a baby and not lose me. I hope you manage to sort things

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  23. Hi there. I am here for some advice and direction. I am in a homosexual relationship. We just celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. My girlfriend wants children and always has. However, i do not. She is aware of this and over time we have come to the decision that we “will have a kid or kids..and we will have a nanny (aka help).” I am very career focused and financially driven. I don’t want my life to change. i want to have a home and a successful business. I have never wanted, nor want now, to raise a child. I love her so much and want her to forever be in my life. i think I could do it (let her do it) if we had a nanny and help, but I really don’t want to be involved. I feel abnormal. I don’t know what to do. She is 33 now and wants to have kids in the next two years. We are also not married yet and not that we have to be married first but I did want a nice wedding. I’m worried about everything and I just feel deep down I was not meant to be a parent.

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  24. Hi there. I am here for some advice and direction. I am in a homosexual relationship. We just celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. My girlfriend wants children and always has. However, i do not. She is aware of this and over time we have come to the decision that we “will have a kid or kids..and we will have a nanny (aka help).” I am very career focused and financially driven. I don’t want my life to change. i want to have a home and a successful business. I have never wanted, nor want now, to raise a child. I love her so much and want her to forever be in my life. i think I could do it (let her do it) if we had a nanny and help, but I really don’t want to be involved. I feel abnormal. I don’t know what to do. She is 33 now and wants to have kids in the next two years. We are also not married yet and not that we have to be married first but I did want a nice big wedding.. i feel deep down that I am not meant to be a parent. I’m just so sad and not sure what to do. I wish there was no biological clock..

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  25. Hi. I am a single mother of two. I am 39 years old. i have been in a relationship for 3 years. I was clear in the beginning of our relationship that I did not want to have more kids and he accepted that and claimed that he wasn’t sure he wanted to have any of his own. Now, he has decided he wants to have a child. I have told him many times that my mind has not and will not change about having kids but he won’t accept that. He hopes I change my mind. I have broken up with him because of this issue but he refuses to let me go. I love him very much and want to spend my life with him. But I will not have a child to keep him. How do I convince him that my decision is made and I will not change my mind??? Would counselling help him with accepting my decision and moving on with or without me??

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  26. Hi there! I just need advice. I really don’t know what to do.

    I am 29 years old and really love kids. My BF is 36, live alone and not close with his family. We been friends for 2 years and I know ever since that he’s undecided if he want kids or not and he also know that I’m really into kids. Then one day we just became lovers, and now just today there’s topic about kids. I sent him a joke about kids. Then his reply is never no baby. Then I said yes I know that but don’t you really want someone who will call us when we get old. He said he don’t know cos he didn’t see himself as a father. He came from a broken family and never close to his family even to his brother. I asked him if that’s the reason and he said maybe, probably. I told him I love him so much and I knew 90% that he will not change his mind and 10% that he might. For me this is the best relationship I ever had. I’m his first serious relationship or should I say first ever gf. I don’t know what to do, I love him so much but I also wanted to have kids. I can see my self pregnant and have kids but my boyfriend doesn’t see him self as a father. Please help. Should I stay for few more years and see if he will change his mind? Or should I leave now but thinking I will regret it and what if he change his mind but too late I already walk away. I really don’t know what to do. My heart is breaking and can’t stop crying.

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  27. Hi Gracie, i am so sorry that you are going through this, I have the same choice to make. Im putting 1 year on it and then going from there. I’m hoping that maybe I pushed things too far too early in the relationship by talking about kids. He too was from a broken family, mum walked out when he was 16, he had a failed marriage in his mid 20’s lasted 3 weeks due to her having an affair, left him in huge debt. I understand that he’s been bitten a few times but I love this man with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without him, but I am prepared to walk away in a years time if we still both want different things. I’m sorry I can’t give you any advice, but I do know how you feel as it’s so heart breaking. The hard thing I find is since we had our break ( we split up for a week due to wanting different things) since we been back together our relationship is so much stronger and he’s so much more in love with me. Maybe it’s because I’ve not mentioned kids and it’s now not worrying him but I know that I will walk away. I know that I would resent him if I never had or tried for a baby. And he already said that he doesn’t want me to blame him in years to come if I stayed with him and never got what I wanted. Sorry I can’t be more helpful. But guess you need to just work out what is more important, loving a man who makes you happy but no kids, or finding another man who may love you even more and give you your life long dream. Good luck x

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    • Thanks for the advice Claire and Sue.

      We talked about this before and I told my self that maybe I should give him time since our relationship is just new that time. And yes everything was great after that he even joke that I have baby inside my tummy most of the times after we had lunch or dinner. I am from Philippines and he’s from Australia. We fly in Philippines to meet my family and he really likes them specially my mom. I never been in this kind of relationship before, this is the best relationship I have. He’s very honest with me in everything. The only problem is that he doesn’t like kids and he don’t know why. I’m thinking to give him more time maybe he will change, I still have 2 years since I want kids at 32. I hope and pray he will change. I don’t know what to do if I will lose him. What if he changed his mind after years, I don’t want to regret not giving time to wait, but I know I really want to have kids. It’s really hard and I can’t even sleep well cos that’s always in my mind. God bless you Claire!

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      • I know it’s hard but you just have to stay strong. You are doing the best thing by giving it time. Trust me I was so stressed when I was going through it all I barely ate for 10 days. I guess time is the only thing we have and just pray that we both get what we want. I would leave my relationship now and find someone new but I’m happy to wait another year or so. I’ve got a date in my head and if things have not changed I will walk. He makes me happy and we have fun. My parents love him and have a great relationship with him which is lovely. Will be a shame to have to say goodbye to a man I love but my want for a child is a priority for me

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      • Hi Claire! Thanks for the reply. At least I know I’m not alone, i really need someone to talk to about this. Hope we get what we want in time. I hope and pray that our partner will change their mind about having kids. Prayer is the most powerful weapon we have right now. I’ll pray for you too.

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  28. My bf already broke up with me. He said he want me to be happy, cos he can’t give that happiness cos he knew I really want to have kids badly. I felt really bad, I want to tell him I will accept him even he doesn’t like kids but I know he will say I’m not being honest. I don’t know where to start again, he’s the best BF I ever had but he broke up with me just like that. I don’t know what to do. I want him so much but whenever I see kids I want to have one.

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    • Hi Gracie,

      If you know 100% for sure you want kids and he knows the same but in the opposite. It is probably for the best. A really cheesy statement, but “if it is meant to be it is meant to be” is the best advice I can give for you. It will be hard for awhile, but slowly you will start feeling like yourself again. Appreciate the time you spent together and one day possibly you two can be good friends. If you still love him, in time, let him know and see how it plays out, but if you are 100% sure about kids he will need to be on board to get back together with him, despite how much of a good partner he is.

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  29. Thanks for that. I didn’t sleep good, keep waking up, headache and vomiting. I know it’s really hard I just hope I can handle this. It’s so hard cos we are far from each other, I want to see him but I know it will be hard for me to see him for now cos of his work. He’s having hard time also, I know. He said he’s depressed and he’s crying. (He never cried before, he always say his tough, he doesn’t have emotion but first time he admit that he cried when we are chatting yesterday). He said that I will always be special to him, he will not run away, he will be always here for me. He said that he hope someday I will agree to him. It’s really hard cos even he’s not very vocal for his love, I can really felt it. He’s different from other guys. He said he is really happy with me but he knows what I need. I’m so heartbroken and so weak that even my parents affected by it. Hope he will realize as he ask for time out for one week chatting but he said he’s sure he will not change. I hope everything will turn out to good. I believe in God and the power of prayer. Thanks Sue and truedp23.

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  30. I just turned 28 yrs old and my boyfriend is 33yrs. We have been together for 8 yrs. He has kids. We get along so well and always enjoy having a good time that he says there’s no need for us to have kids. I’m scared of losing my chance of having kids, or never feeling how it feels to be a mother, something of my own. We just built our own home together and now that we’re getting ready to move in i feel that I have to stay with him bc I’m too old to meet anyone else and get to know someone and actually find someone that would want kids with me. He’s been my love best friend for many years. I stress about this since I turned 25. We’re so attached that I feel it will be impossible to actually meet new people all my
    Friend are his friends so I feel like I have to stay in this relationship even if I don’t get to feel what it feels to be called mommy.

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    • Claudia, you don’t have to stay in this relationship. You are definitely not too old to anything you want. What you need to decide is what want more, children or the life you have. It’s not an easy choice, and you never know what you’re going to find if you leave. I hope you can work it out.

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  31. My boyfriend and I broke up a couple days ago and since then I haven’t left my house (barely left my bed). We were together for only a year and a half but it was a relationship everyone saw as a forever one. I love him so much and hate myself for breaking up. It was a mutual decision based on the fact I am 23 and want kids of my own someday and he is 39 with a 10 year old daughter… Compared to you guys I know mine seems silly but I truly love and care for him. we’ve exchanged a few texts since we broke up and both of us feel like we’re dying. (As a note I also have diagnosed manic depressive bipolar disorder and he actually made me feel so happy). I just want him back and he wants me but kids.. Any advice is welcome.

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    • Rayne, I know it hurts and feels like you’ll never live through it, but I really think it’s for the best if he’s firm in his decision not to have more children. Plus the age different may not seem to matter now, but someday it will. Be good to yourself.

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      • Hi, I’m sorry to hear your going through this. I hope you sort things and maybe time apart could be the deciding factor to get back together. I dread that me and my partner will also go separate ways. I’m like you and suffer with depression. He really makes me happy. I feel like I’m on cloud 9 the whole time, and when we split for a week recently I felt like my world had ended. Sometimes I think I’m kidding myself that in a years time he will change his mind. But my mind is set on one year. Only time will tell. Stay strong XX

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    • Hi Rayne!

      I’ve been there last week, we broke up just because of baby issue. He doesn’t like to have kid/s. He broke up with me but then i asked him maybe he can think about it before he decide if it’s really over. He asked for one week space and I agreed. Tomorrow we will chat and I’m really nervous of what is going to happen. But I already told my self if it’s really the end then I should accept it cos I know to my self that I really want to have kids, a family of my own.

      If you want to cry just cry, if you want to scream just scream. Maybe you should write a a letter, tell him everything you want to say. I did that, I sent an email and I told him everything I want to say. Most important, just pray and ask for guidance. Be strong, you’re still young but if you really want to have kids then maybe just accept that it’s over. I’ll pray for you.

      Matthew 21:22
      If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in a prayer.

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  32. Hi everyone! It’s me again.

    My BF after breaking up with me and asked for a week space, message me again. We were chatting again like what we are before. I sent an email to him last week telling everything I want to say. Told him that I really want to have baby even just one. After that email he replied to me telling he got the email then the next day he sent a picture of him and his friend baby. I don’t know if that’s a sign of agreeing to have a baby in the future. After that we started chatting again, back to normal like before. He said we are going to talk about some things but until now we are not talking about it. He seems happy when we are chatting and telling me everything what’s happening to him.

    I hope this is a good sign.

    I just pray to God to give him back to me and realize that it doesn’t hurt to have a baby.

    Goodluck to everyone of us.

    God bless!

    Like

    • Hi Gracie,

      My fella is exactly the same after we split and got back together we been stronger than ever before. But i am still worried that when the time comes to talk about things he will still not want to have a baby. I Just have this feeling that my fella doesn’t want to talk about it and just hopes that the issue will just go away, But the the problem i am finding is that the more he doesn’t want to talk about it the more i want to discuss things and the more i want to have a child. Every day i think maybe i should just distance my self and just start slowly adjusting to the idea that me and him are never going to have a baby. I feel so drained. Yet on the other hand i love him with all my heart. I’ve even bought him an engagement ring, but i know that he doesn’t want to get married either due to his failed 1st marriage. I feel like im stuck in limbo.

      Im praying that soon you will talke about things and you get your dream x

      Like

      • Hi Claire!

        I think what we can do now is just pray that they will really change their mind.

        I was hoping that the picture he sent with the baby is a sign that he agreed to give me even just one kid. It’s his first time to hold a new born baby. He never experience to be with kids, and also maybe one of the reason is because he doesn’t have permanent job as of now.

        Just pray and I’m sure God will hear us. I believed in prayer is powerful, so just have faith and I’m sure it will be all good. xoxo

        Like

  33. Hi
    I need some help and i wasn’t sure where to go. I was with a guy that has three kids, that I think are great, and as we knew each other before hand as friends we talked about kids early on. I have always said i wanted them and he agreed. A few months ago he broke up with me a couple of times saying he didn’t want more kids, but then he doesn’t let me go and wants back together. While broken up he booked a vasectomy but cancelled it. we worked things out but then he broke up with me again saying he wanted to focus on his kids. Then he wanted me back and wanted to talk about “us” and said we could try to have kids. A week later he tells me he is feeling so guilty and has to get something off his chest and tells me he had a vasectomy while we were broken up. But now he knows how much he wants to be with me he could look at getting it reversed or I could use a sperm donor in a couple of years. I am 32 so I don’t want to wait too long. I love him and I am finding it hard to trust anything he says. It was the only thing I was never willing to compromise on and he knew this. He has some health issues I know he is scared about and he hid them from me too but i feel like i should stay and support him. I feel like I have tired so hard to be there for him and his kids and he just ditches me when it suits him.

    I dont know if I am being selfish by leaving or if its okay. He took the choice of having kids with him away from me. I am very confused!

    Like

    • Leeg, I’m so sorry. My gut feeling is that you can’t trust this guy. Right? I think you need to take care of yourself. I know you love him, but if he lies to you about this, what else will he lie about or hide from you?

      Readers, what do you think? Let’s here from some of you.

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  34. it’s comforting knowing i am not alone. I’m 28. my boyfriend of 4 years is 33. we’ve lived together for 3 years, moved across the country together 1.5 yrs ago. first night i met him he said he didn’t want kids, i said i did. i figured id wait it out and see if there was anything to the relationship first and 4 years later, obviously there is. over time, we both somewhat agreed to what the other wanted in regards to kids, mainly because of our love for the other. about a yr ago we had a very honest conversation. i admitted to myself and him how important kids are to me. he admitted to me how much he truly didn’t want kids and never has. he told me he thought he would end up resenting me for it bc thats not something he wants in life, at all. we talked about breaking up but obviously the decision was hard, lots of tears. there’s a ton of love there. over time we somewhat had come to terms with breaking up but both struggled biting the bullet because of our love. we both said we loved the other so much we didn’t want to compromise some life long dream the other had and of all things, kids was the one deal breaker. he then, a few months ago, decided he would rather have kids than lose me (yes, so very very exciting to hear); however, he knows that he will never actually want me to be pregnant, want kids, want a family, want any of that…but he will do it…for me. so now I’m in this dilemma. stay with the love of my life, have kids, take the risk of him not being the father i want for my children and me possibly end up resenting him for it?? or leave him, hopefully find someone else as amazing as him (not sure thats possible) and have kids with someone who wants to be a father??? please help. its been a year of daily mental struggles trying to figure this out. thanks!!

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  35. Well, my boyfriend broke up with me today over not wanting more children. He didn’t ask if we could work through nor did he try to find out in-depth on why I said no. I am somewhat hurt by his rash decision. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. We were in a relationship for a little over two weeks. I chose to love him. I feel like a doll he picked and played with for some time and then decided to put it a way. Things will get better. I am sure that there’s a man out there for me.

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  36. Well, my boyfriend broke up with me today over not wanting more children. He didn’t ask if we could work through nor did he try to find out in-depth on why I said no. I am somewhat hurt by his rash decision. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. We were in a relationship for a little over two weeks. I chose to love him. I feel like a doll he picked and played with for some time and then decided to put it a way. Things will get better. I am sure that there’s a man out there for me.

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  37. I just broke up with my dear boyfriend of 2.5 years over our discrepancy on the kid issue. I am 32. He is 42. This was the first serious relationship for both of us. Before him, I dated a lot but never found anyone that I wanted to pursue a short or long term future with. He feels the same about me.

    He was upfront from the get go about not wanting kids. I was ok with that at first but as we fell deeper in love and started talking about our future, I realized that I wanted a family badly. I sometimes think that my feelings are highly influenced by society, my family and friends. I tried long and hard to be comfortable with the thought of a child-less future. A few months ago we started talking about moving in together. Although I was thrilled and excited to take the next step with him, I felt extreme anxiety about it. It took me sometime to realize that the anxiety was provoked by the reality of not having children in my future.

    Him and I talked about this issue a lot for the last year of our relationship. He thought long and hard about his stance and tried to get to a point where he wanted kids. In the end, he said that the only reason he would have a kid is that I want them and he does not think anyone should be a father unless they truly want to be a father. I could not get to a place that I was comfortable committing to a childless life. So, we broke up. It was devastating to both of us. I do not know if I will ever find someone that I love as much as I love him. I do know though, that I was already starting to resent him for my childless future. Because of that, I believe I made the right choice. It is so, so difficult. I miss him so much that at times it is hard to breathe. He and I both hope that he will come around to the whole kid idea or that, down the road, I will decide that I am ok without children. Then, we can get back together and live happily ever after. That is unlikely to happen but, for now, That thought is what gets me through the day.

    Like

    • Wow… what your going through is pretty much where I am at with my fella, he’s suggested living together but he doesn’t want kids and I do. We split up briefly a few months ago because of wanting different things but it lasted about 10 days. I love him with all my heart but like you I feel like I’m resenting him because he can’t give me something I want. He loves me dearly and that’s very obvious but he just doesn’t want a kid . I feel like I’m going to have to make this choice and walk away too, but the thought of it really saddens me. But not having a child or at least trying or a child I think will be much more devastating than the pain I feel now if I left him x

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  38. Last year I asked my boyfriend of 5 years what we were doing, why we weren’t moving forward… it wasn’t the first conversation about marriage or kids but I felt like we hadn’t been moving forward in quite awhile. We seemed stuck and he seemed content. We both have children from our previous marriages, 2 for me and 1 for him. Our girls are all within a year of each other, ages 10,10, and 9. We are lucky enough to be financially stable and can afford for me to be a stay at home mom. When we started dating neither of us wanted more kids. Although we are both young, 31, we had hard marriages and kids at a young age so more kids wasn’t a huge priority initially. As time passed though we began talking about possibly having more kids and honestly I felt like it would happen. It made me so happy to think about having another child with him. He is the best dad to all 3 of our kids. Life was/ is good for us so I wanted to know what we were doing, why weren’t we moving forward, were we ever going to have our own child together…. the response I got has pretty much left me with a hole in my chest. ” You are not a good person to have a baby with” were his exact words. He has supported me being a stay at home mom, I have taken care of his daughter like my own and have 3 smart, sweet, healthy kids as a testament to my parenting. I am a good, involved, loving parent. So obviously this statement left me shocked. He said I was too stressed all the time and flat out that he just didn’t want to start over with another kid. Basically he has made up his mind and has since apologized for not telling me sooner that he didn’t want anymore kids. It’s been a hard year trying to accept and live with a decision I didn’t make and that came in such a hurtful way. We have a home, family, and 3 kids that depend on us both. I won’t leave over this because we do have a good life. So I guess I am at a different place than some people here… I’ve made my decision to stay but that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t broken over it. I just don’t know how to stop feeling hurt all the time. I shouldn’t cry or feel like I got kicked in the stomach every time a friend gets pregnant or I go to a baby shower. The rejection from him and fear I’ll never really forgive him for this weighs heavy on my mind. I love him but I have taken a step back from him. I’m just not in love like i use to be. He knows it and it hurts him as well. He has apologized a thousand times for what he said and not telling me sooner. He has begged for me to just love him like I used to and I am trying but I feel tricked, betrayed and lied to. I just don’t look at him the same and that kills me. I just wonder if I’ll ever really accept and forgive him or if this new kind of love we have is just how I’ll always feel. It’s so devastating to love someone so much and see it change into this. I feel like I lost my best friend. I feel like an idiot for loving someone so much. I can’t even see him hold my baby niece without feeling overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I am settling and I don’t have a choice. I am so angry he took away my voice in this huge decision.

    Like

    • Meg, you have a right to be angry. What a hurtful thing to say. It would not be healthy to keep feeling this way for the rest of your life. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Even a therapist might be helpful to help you sort it out. Meanwhile, it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job with those three kids, so pat yourself on the back. Thank you for sharing this.

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  39. My boyfriend and I have known each other for 13 years, been together off and on but officially & consistently together for about 5 years. We are engaged for about 3 years now. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, as does he [yes, 4]. His live with their mother, mine with me. I have a short time to have another child, due to a lovely fibroid tumor that’s outside my uterus, but a pregnancy is still possible while I still have my uterus. He admitted to planning first child at 17. His second not planned but he’s grateful for. He says after his second child with this girl he was with, he set a standard that he didn’t want anymore children. Now, being together all this time and being deeply love, I want so badly have HIS child [not just A child.. HIS child]. He agrees he would never make me have an abortion, that if it happened, it happened [we hadn’t used any form of protection until now. I’m on birth control to control my cycle, thanks to this fibroid]. I don’t want a mistake pregnancy that I know he never wanted, but it seems that’s the ONLY way he’s willing have a child PERIOD. I am NOT the ‘trap’ you type. I want to enjoy and feel mutually happy about our baby coming not stressed and unhappy. I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life married to him knowing he’ll never share this feeling that I have such strong feelings about. Is it unfair to not marry him because of his feelings about having another child? I feel selfish for feeling that way, but he’s robbing me of the choice to have another child. Please help 😦

    Like

    • Ashley, a lot of people here would think you are both pretty lucky to have four kids between you. Only you can decide what you really want. Is it that important to have another child? What if you broke up with him and didn’t find someone else, especially since your fibroid tumor means your time to conceive is limited? Have you talked this out with him? I hope you can figure it out. Readers, what do you think? Do you have any words of wisdom for Ashley?

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  40. Reading these messages has really struck a cord with me!
    I met the man I want to be with nearly 4 years ago. Initially we both agree we wouldn’t have children (me due to believing I would never meet a man I would trust enough to have a child with, and he already had a 10yr old). However I fell more and more in love and changed my mind! When we spoke about it he wasn’t totally against the idea. When I asked again a few months later he said “no he didn’t want anymore”. I thought “that’s ok, I’ll have the full childless life I thought I’d have”. It didn’t work.
    The saddest thing is I now feel resentful of him making that desicion for me without discussion and his close relationship with his son really hurts!! I see everything I’ll never have!!
    I want to “get over it” but don’t know how!

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    • You will never get over it. You will always resent him and have that part of jealousy. I am in the same boat as you but my other halfs kid is 6. I love her to pieces and we have a great relationship but it’s not the same as loving your own child and I just don’t have that bond. It’s a hard one but Ive made a choice to stay a bit longer to see if he changes his mind and if he doesn’t then I will leave. I will never go through life without trying for a child if it doesn’t happen and can’t have my own at least I have tried. And the can move on. Good luck I hope it works out xx

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  41. I’m planning to move in with my partner of 5 years later this year, we’ve been together since we were 19. We always jokingly talked about marriage and what our children would be like, but recently he’s begun to change his tune. He now says that he’s not sure he ever wants kids. I’m young enough that I could cut and run, but as I recently found out I have reproductive disorder my childbearing years are likely to be cut short very quickly anyway. I love him, and he’s my best friend, I can’t imagine life without him … But. I don’t know if I can make peace with the no. Very conflicted.

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  42. Thank you for writing this post!

    I’m 36, and my BF is 40. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Compassionate, loving, supportive.

    But he does come with a messy divorce, a hostile ex-wife, and 2 kids (5, and 7). The kids are good but like a divorced dad, he is a permissive parent and let’s them have the run of the house and life revolves entirely around them (park, pool, movies, games with kids). I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m at his house as the kids expect the adults to entertain them non-stop.

    I went into this relationship as a maybe on the kids or no kids thing, but as my love for him grew, I felt more confident that I wanted to marry this man and have a baby together. However, about 4 months ago, he told me with certainty that he no longer wants kids (he was always a maybe), and that he wants a vasectomy. His reasons – his kids are enough (he has them 50% of the time), he likes his time when his kids aren’t there, and financially he feels like it’s a major strain. He doesn’t want to go back to the diapers stage.

    He’s even said, you have my kids, that’s like having your own right? Uhm not true.

    Part of me is still deciding as other’s have posted – is it worth giving up my desire to have a child to stay with a wonderful man? But I can also start to feel myself resenting him for ‘leading me on’.

    On the other hand, I’m old and will I find someone else as good, who is willing to have kids? I was single for 4 years prior to meeting him.

    So confused

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  43. I just found this blog today, and it helps to know other people that are going through the same thing I am. My boyfriend of 18 months just told me a couple months ago he doesn’t want any more children. He has two young boys from his previous marriage, and has been divorced for a little over a year. Im almost 30 and he is 34. I was an emotional wreck when he told me. When we first met he said he did want more kids, which was great and relieving news to me, since I wanted to be a Mom for my whole life. After the divorce was official, and he is still coping with only seeing his kids 50% off the time. We have talked about marriage slightly, happening down the road. I am hoping that after some more time for him to emotionally heal from his divorce, and as his other kids get older, he will change his mind about having more. I love him very much, but Im scared now to get too attached, because Im not sure if I could give up wanting to have kids. How is it that I can finally find the love of my life, and he gives me the worst possible news. We are moving in together in a few months, and Im hoping that things will start to get better. Thanks guys for your help and advice.

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  44. Hello!

    Finding this blog (with active comments!) was something of a miracle for me. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 40. We have been together for about 6-7 months. He has 2 children (17 and 11) from a previous marriage. He was with his ex-wife for 22 years or so, and she was unfaithful so they got divorced. I am under the impression that it wasn’t the happiest of marriages. But he is obviously still hurt by what happened and now his family life is complicated. He’s not the best with his emotions and this whole past of his has made it very difficult for him to express them.

    We just recently found out that his ex-wife is pregnant with this man’s child that she cheated with, and the entire situation has made my boyfriend suddenly realize he never wants to have more children. And might not even want to ever get married again.

    So, yesterday he told me that realization about the kids/marriage (I always knew kids was a maybe for him anyway). And he said that he wants to break up because he knows I am young and deserve more than he can provide. (I probably shouldn’t be calling him boyfriend, since I think technically we broke up…)

    Part of my brain understands this. I get where he’s coming from and I know that children and marriage are a huge part of moving forward in a relationship. But because I am so much younger, I am not thinking about children or marriage at all right now.

    I am truly happy just being with him and that’s enough for me. He doesn’t seem to believe that at all and is sure that there is better for me out there. He disagrees and says that it will hurt more down the line if we decide to break up again. Which is obviously true. But I don’t think it’s worth throwing in the towel over this. I don’t know yet what I want out of a relationship. I always expected to have kids and be married, but I’ve come to think that life isn’t really what you expect. Life is about finding the things that make you happy. I don’t want to give up on this at all because he makes me happy.

    We had a couple of long talks about it. He is very sure about his decision, which I completely respect. But he is making the choice for me about breaking up. He doesn’t seem to care that I don’t want to end our relationship over this kids/marriage matter. I’m just not at a point in my life where I am even thinking about that stuff yet. I asked him if we could just slow things down and see where it goes and try to work on this issue together. He said he would think about it. I highly doubt that he will change his mind about staying together (I know he won’t change his mind about the kids/marriage, and that’s okay).

    He is just absolutely convinced that this is the right thing to do, for both of us. And I am so deeply hurt by the fact that he is making this decision for me. I do not feel that it is fair. And I just want the chance to see where it can go.

    Love is the most important thing to me. I want to find love and peace with someone more than anything. If that means sacrifices along the way, so be it. I just don’t know how to convince him of this or what to say to him that might help him rethink the matter of just simply staying together.

    Ever since he told me yesterday that we should break up, I have been absolutely devastated. I have pretty bad anxiety, and situational depression. I can barely do anything without feeling that rising anxiety in my chest, or tears streaming down my face at the thought of losing him. My doctor prescribed me Ativan today so that I will at least be able to sleep and try to calm down a little. To be honest, I’m afraid to take the medication…I am worried that I will be more upset somehow. I am just so broken-hearted at the idea of not being with this man. I truly don’t believe this is the end for us. And I don’t know what to do to fix or change it.

    Thank you so much for reading and I truly look forward to hearing any advice you may have.

    Jordan

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  45. I am 39 and my boyfriend is 49 – we have just had the second very difficult conversation about him not wanting children and me wanting them very much. We have been together two years. He already has two sons in their 20s and feels he is too old to start over again. After talking it through we have pretty much decided to break up so I can have another chance to find someone who does want kids – he doesn’t want me to resent him and I just can’t continue with no hope of children – we are completely at odds with each other on this issue. I have not been too successful with relationships (they always seem to end after a few months) so this one gave me real hope that I had found someone to have a family with. I feel very sad but also trying to be optimistic about a fresh start. I worry I just won’t find someone – but I have to try. If not I plan to adopt. Thanks for this blog – it is really helpful.

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  46. This is exactly what I’m worried about. Early on in the relationship, I told my boyfriend I do not want to have kids. I have had that decision since I was in elementary. (I am 27 today, and he’s been my boyfriend for 6 years). I tried to imagine life with a family during our relationship but that didn’t change my mind. I still do not want to have kids.

    Yesterday, out of nowhere, he asked me “are you sure you don’t want kids?”. Apparently, he really wants to have a family. We’ll have a serious talk about it this weekend and I am just afraid that we will break up because of that. Well, I did tell him that he can walk away. I don’t want to deprive him of having a family he can call his own. I don’t want him to regret choosing the childless life.

    I don’t know how to break it to him that I still don’t want kids. I think I never will. I have never seen myself as a mother. We’ll probably break up. 😦

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  47. This site is such a good find for me right now. My situation – I am 32 and at an age where I am going t friends weddings and christenings and it has started my mind to think about my future. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, he is about to turn 40 and already has 2 kids (they’re both in their late teens). He has always been honest with me from day one about the fact that he doesn’t want any more kids. He says he has spent the past 19 years raising his children and has his life back and can focus on other things now such as his business. I understand where he is coming from and thought I was ok to not have kids as right now I don’t have that urgent desire….HOWEVER more recently because of my age and seeing those closest to me move in with their partners, get married, start families of their own, I have realised I too want that. I want kids (not right now but in a couple of years) and I want grand-kids. Last night I made the hardest decision in my life and broke up with my boyfriend. I am absolutely heart broken as I type this but I had to be selfish too and think about my future. The thing is that right now my future feels pretty rubbish without the man I love. To break up with a guy who you love spending time with is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
    Its interesting to read others experiences,,,nice to know I am not alone with these thoughts.

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