Dear friends, I’m still getting lots of comments at the old Childless by Marriage site. I’m trying to herd them over here, but I don’t want anyone to miss anything, so I’m sharing this exchange from yesterday. Anonymous needs some advice. Please feel free to add your thoughts in the comments.
Anonymous said:
God, it’s been very comforting reading all the posts. The one thing that appears clear to me is we are scared if we leave we will never fall in love again. I’ve just been dumped and I’m brokenhearted, as I truly was with the most amazing guy. He had two teenage kids from a failed marriage over 10 years ago. I’m 38, he is 44, and on our first date, because I knew he had kids, I asked if he was open to having more, which he answered straightaway. A few months in, he had a bit if a panic attack and said he didn’t want any more children and needs to concentrate on the kids he has. He is dealing with a lot of guilt over his kids because he left. I think he feels he failed them and therefore doesn’t want to bring any more kids into this world but knows I deserve to be a mum. I am truly heartbroken, as we had an amazing relationship and deep down I know he doesn’t want it to finish but had to be honest and true to me. I don’t know if I do or don’t want kids, but I would like to have the choice,and if I do, in the next few years. I’m so scared if being on my own and what if I never meet someone, would my ex take me back if I said I gave up on the chance of having kids? I love him so much, but I know he had to be honest. I’m still questioning. Is he honest though and is it the guilt that he has over his two kids stopping him? Funny thing is they will be all grown up soon and won’t need him. He knows he will never meet anyone like me. It’s just so hard.
I replied: Anonymous, I’m sorry this has happened to you. Nobody really knows what will happen in the future. You might meet someone even better, you might not. Keep the lines of communication open with this guy. Maybe it’s not over yet. I hope things work out for you.
Anonymous wrote back:
Thank you, Sue, for your kind reply. I feel lost without him, but I guess it’s not our time right now and I’m very scared of being alone. He is such a wonderful guy, and I feel that the guilt has him torn inside. I thought I could help him deal with his demons from his past relationship, but I should have known better, he can only help himself. Sometimes I wonder would a baby be the making of him as he is a great dad to his kids when they allow him (teenagers!!)
Should I not contact him and let him be for now?
I replied:
Anon, I’d let him be for a while, but it would be okay once in a while to call to see how he is and how the kids are doing. After all, you were a family. But take some time to take care of yourself, too.
So, what do you think? Does this spark thoughts of your own situation? I look forward to hearing from you.
Sue
Childless by Marriage 
Such a sad story. Maybe they could go to therapy together so he could discuss the issues with his teenage kids and work out if he could be open to the idea of having another child in the future..
LikeLike
Even though I’m sure it hurts now I think it was kind of him to let her go if he knew he couldn’t give her what she needed and deserved. I sometimes with my husband had been so mature and thoughtful to realize that the best thing probably would have been to let me go. I didn’t have the wisdom and courage to decide that for myself at the time.
LikeLike
Although I will forever be sad in not having children, I’m glad I didn’t walk away from a man that loves me dearly. Some women never find the right guy and never have children. I am blessed to at least have a guy that loves me. The older I get the more I realize that children are not everything they are cracked up to be. Sure maybe when they are babies. But I’ve seen my share that when they are older they are not so awesome. Just a thought.
LikeLike
Thank you, Candy, for reminding me of what I have.
I also decided not to leave a relationship that I knew couldn’t be traditional. It took us a long time to get married due to his family’s religious views. He regrets this, but also did not want to have kids. I decided love was more important than having a wedding and family life with someone I hadn’t even met. I’m 44 now, but there are still days I feel angry with my husband and myself. Anonymous, you are lucky your partner was honest with you. It’s a tough decision, and it is never over. I wish you luck.
LikeLike
All I am reading in this email is how scared you are to be alone. Are you really in love with this man or will any man who loves you who is willing to have a baby be enough for you? The answer is obvious. If you love this man and only this man, then stay. If not, then go. He is unlikely to change his mind in the short window of time it would take for you to starting having a child.
I am 45 years old. And was in a similar situation as you when I was in my late 30’s. In my case, the man got a vasectomy, so no chance of pregnancy without medical intervention. I chose to leave. There were other minor reasons besides lack of wanting to have a child for me to leave. And you know what? No happy ending for me. I have only dated two other people since then with whom it has not worked out. I have not had a relationship or sex, let alone a baby in that span of time. Even though I am lonely and miserable by myself, the thought of going back to this man, who desperately wants me back, is just NO. I did the right thing for me. Ultimately you have to choose what is right for you. Good luck!
LikeLike
Fantastic advice, Belle. Thank you for sharing this.
LikeLike