Last week we talked about the big gamble. Should you leave a partner who is unable or unwilling to make babies with you in the hope that you can find someone else with whom you can have children? Most of the people who responded had decided to keep what they had. They treasured their relationship enough to work it out. That’s what I did, too.
But that leaves a lot of people still in the gray area.
Ideally, we work these things out before we’ve made the commitment to another person. We discuss it, and if we disagree, we either decide to accept it forever or we walk away. Right? Not always. There’s a third response, the one I made and the one lots of us make. We tell ourselves that he will change his mind, that she will get the urge to have babies, that the physical impediments to conception will miraculously disappear. For those of us raised on fairy tales and Disney movies, it makes sense. If you wish hard enough for something, your dreams always come true in the end. If only real life worked that way.
Back in my mother’s day, kids were part of the package. If you didn’t want to have children, you didn’t get married because marriage meant babies. But nothing is guaranteed anymore. We have to discuss it and be clear on what we want. If a person is unable or unwilling to have children, that’s probably not going to change. Can you live with that?
Of course many of you are already in the relationship. It’s too late to work it out beforehand. So now what? Ask yourself some questions and try to be honest.
1) Am I happy with my life as it is right now? If nothing changes, can I remain happy with this person?
2) Do I love this person enough to choose him or her over the children I might have had?
3) Will I be devastated if I never have children?
4) Am I willing to risk ending up childless and alone–or becoming a single parent?
Tough questions. The hard part is that your answers may change over time. So might your partner’s. But I think we have to assume that things are not going to change, that there will be no miracles, and act accordingly.
I wish none of us had to deal with this, but we do. What do you think about all this? Please share in the comments.
Childless by Marriage 
Sue,
This is tough. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong answer. In many
ways I feel incomplete by not having children and other ways blessed. What I do know is that people change and not always the way we hope.
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I divorced my first husband because he did not want children. We had been married for 5 years (together for 8) and I was 31 – this was 2002. It was not just that. I had lost all respect for him and we were more like flat mates. I wanted a ‘proper’ husband and also to go back to the country life (I grew up on farms). I moved to SW Wales (an area that I had been visiting since a child) into a caravan on a friend’s farm. I found 3 part-time cleaning jobs (never been afraid of hard work!) and then started to do internet dating. I met my 2nd husband after only a few months. Moved in with him after 6 weeks and we have now been married for over 10 years. He is a dairy farmer and my best friend. The only sad thing is that we did not get the chance to try for a baby. He has 2 kids from his first marriage (who are both now parents themselves) and had a vasectomy many years before meeting me. We were considering trying a reversal, but my health and a family tragedy stopped that. At least I gave myself the chance to find the lifestyle I really wanted – and now have my rescue animals, an amazing house and my Tarot reading business. I am so glad that I found the strength to leave my first husband. I am far too good for him!
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Bravo! You are a brave woman and I applaud you for having the courage to go for what you wanted when you knew your marriage wasn’t making you happy.
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Like many others, I’ve chosen to stay with my spouse even if it means remaining childless. I love him and don’t want to give up what I have for the unknown. I posted before (Anonymous December 10) that it’s unlikely that I can even have children because of endometriosis, which means that even if I left my spouse I would most likely remain childless. I wrote out your questions, Sue, and my answers to them. I think that was a great exercise! Now I’m thinking of getting my husband to answer them but for if we had children. I think what bugs me most about the situation is that I’m the one that has to do all the struggling and he doesn’t have to think about it.
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R.R., I’m glad my questions help. Sometimes it does seem like we’re the ones doing all the work. But I have also found that men don’t like to talk about their feelings as much as we do, so be gentle with him. Maybe just discuss your answers to the questions and see how he responds.
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Thanks! I’ll definitely start by just discussing my responses.
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Dear Sue, I need help with my thought process and how I actually REALLY feel about the potential of being a parent. I’m very confused and quite honestly I could go either way with it, but the fact that I won’t have forever to decide leaves me feeling a little anxious and maybe even some sadness, for what reason I have no idea why!
I have been with my husband for six years and we just got married last year. He is quite literally my best friend, soulmate and partner in life. We have an amazing connection on so many levels in our relationship, but I will say we have a lot of ups and downs. The passion and love is intense at times and I can’t imagine my life without him, even when we are in the midst of a heated argument. I know it will blow over and we will soon be back on the right page together in each others’ arms, smiling and laughing once again. When I first met my husband,I told him the idea of getting married and/or having kids was not appealing to me. Obviously when he proposed, two years later, I said yes, and we planned a beautiful dream-come-true wedding in Hawaii. My husband is 53, and I am approaching 30 (aka: biological clock-ticking age). I say this only because at 53 my husband is in no place with his age to want or need to be a new father. He has a son who is currently 20 and at the state university to become a pharmacist. Lee and his son are very close. He is a loving, caring and nurturing father, and his son is such a great “kid.”
I used to think it was kind of pathetic to “just be” a Mom, as some say, and I kind of felt bad for those parents who actually planned it- like ok- your life is officially over when you become a parent. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I love them, but I was the oldest of 4 kids, the oldest of 10 cousins. I had spent a lot of time babysitting, and I was a nanny for two families in my early to mid 20s. Of course, every little girl thinks they’ll be a mom when they grow up, but when my 20s approached, I remember feeling afraid every time my period was late, and knowing how much work and sacrifice and complete and utter selflessness it would take to be a good mom.
I chose to fall in love with a man who would be happy in a relationship that involved soon-to-be freedom, travel, sleeping in, lots of hobbies, and spontaneity. My stepson was only 13 when I met my husband, so he was waiting to be finished with the job of being Dad. We had Jimmy during the week and also every other weekend/holidays. I can say for sure I was nurturing and mothering and put his needs ahead of my own, but he was not mine, still isn’t and never will be. I always felt kind of like an outsider around certain occasions, and it did NOT feel good not being the real Mom. I sometimes felt like I had to force myself to “be involved” with visitations as it had always kind of been Dad and Son time, and suddenly I’m the odd ball out. Fact is, I enjoyed being a part of the family, and hearing about his life, and witnessing his sports and hobbies, and hearing his jokes. I love my stepson very much. Kind of weird that I never quite felt like I fit in somehow, but I can’t explain it. Now that he is a grown adult, I get the sense that my husband feels a huge weight has been lifted, and he is ready to start enjoying his life, aside from the fact that he is a workaholic and rarely ever has free time to himself. We still meet up with Jimmy weekly or more if possible, and it doesn’t feel that way anymore- maybe because we are married now, and he understands how happy I make his dad. He gave a beautiful speech at our wedding as he was my husband’s “best man.” Recently I noticed a sudden curiosity around motherhood. I think it began when I was 10 days late with my last period and a couple of the months prior it had been very light. I wondered if I was pregnant and I procrastinated taking a test because I was too afraid to find out. During that time of waiting I found myself thinking about what it might be like or could be like to have a mini-me/Lee running around, making us smile and laugh and bringing such joy and blessing to our lives. How my stepson would potentially love having a little brother/sister. My whole life would be turned upside down though! My body would never be the same. My breasts and lady parts would forever be changed. Being a mom might age me a lot and make me feel chronically exhausted. I would be tied down to the typical lifestyle and schedule that parents are forced to live by surrounding the school system and homework and teachers and constantly worrying about the safety of your kids! There would be many good things about being a parent, such as the unconditional loving, nurturing and care that gets poured into a child who needs you. Children are joyous and bring joy to any situation. They teach you about life and giving and how to be a better person. They force you to be a good role model and a good example. If you do a good job at parenting and your kids are blessed with strong genetics, you have a hope that your beautiful child will grow up and become someone amazing who will make deep and impactful changes in the world, and maybe even bless you with grandchildren.
I cannot believe my thoughts have headed in this direction. One thing that recently hit me was the fact that my husband will likely be a grandfather someday very soon-maybe in the next 10 years. My stepson is with an amazing, beautiful, smart, energetic and good girl and I could see them getting married and having a beautiful family. I guess it freaks me out in a way because how would that feel being a step-grandma without ever having had any little ones of my own. And to compete with two “real” grandmas who would always have the first dibs would be very difficult and heartbreaking for someone like me. My husband’s ex-wife is an extremely manipulative and vindictive person, and she certainly used her son to hurt and take advantage of my husband. What she would do with her sweet little grandbabies really troubles me and makes me worry.
Anyways, back to the main point. I still cannot fathom having kids of my own AT THIS POINT…. BUT WHAT IF in 3-5 years when I’m in my mid-30’s that urge kicks into full force?! What then? Start over? On my own. Single. Divorced. For what? The POSSIBILITY of meeting a great guy, who wants marriage and kids. And maybe doesn’t already have an ex, and kids already?! Shit. Seems like a lot to leave my husband- the loving, kind, devoted, beautiful soul of a man- to give him up for something that might not even happen, like you said, “the gamble”, not to mention AM I EVEN FERTILE? I know he will not change his mind. Even though he laughs and giggles when I tease him with “let’s make a baby” or “put a bun in my oven,” he laughs because he knows I am kidding about wanting to make love. Lately I have to question how much of me is joking and HOW much of me really actually might WANT a baby. I am not ready now, so there’s no rush, says one part of me, but, if I waited years, and it ends up being too late down the road… Well then I’ll just have so much resentment and regret.
My husband is much older and could literally die first and leave me all alone with nothing and nobody! I feel so torn. I do NOT know what to do. The only thing I can do at this point is rely on the small tiny chance that somewhere down the road my husband will not pull out in time, and as a result we will be pregnant. He has already told me he clearly does NOT want more children (understandably so) and that he would understand if I did, and he would allow me to go on and pursue that dream. Of course he understands that if I got pregnant he would not leave me. He would stay by my side as husband and be the good father he already is, but he will not willingly give up his sperm to purposefully make a mother out of me. It seems unfair that if the day ever came that I was truly willing, ready and able to procreate, that I would suddenly ditch and divorce such a loyal, faithful, devoted man, (especially because he wouldn’t divorce me if I got pregnant), but what I can’t wrap my head around is why he would be okay with me leaving him to go off and make a baby?! He told me that he knew that was a risk falling in love with & marrying a younger woman- that I might want to leave him for babies someday. I know I’ll never change his mind. So what the eff is my problem? Why am I worried about this now? Maybe I should not worry until IF the time actually ever does come THEN stress about this… Just worried it will be too late by then. I’ve always been the last to show up to the party, the chronic procrastinator. This is something you can’t really wait around on, right? HELP!
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Amanda-
I’m in a similar situation as you, only I’m 10 years older than you. My husband is 15 years older than I am. He has a 20-year-old from previous marriage. We’ve been together for 14 years. We are the best of friends and still passionately in love. And I’m quite close to his daughter.
BUT… Before we got married, he always said he wanted more kids and then got cold feet after we got married. So a slightly different situation than yours, but I was ambivalent about having kids, just like you are, so I just kind of shrugged it off. But I will always regret letting someone else make a life-altering decision for me.
Now that I’m 43, I’m brokenhearted, and I feel like I wasted my life. And I keep thinking about the fact that my husband had a child with someone who was awful to him and then denied me the right to have children. Even though I’ve been nothing but good to him. This is a tough pill to swallow. This is the same pill you will eventually have to swallow. Take a second to make sure future you can emotionally handle that.
My advice to you is to “talk” to future you. Look around and ask yourself if you’re completely OK with being alone as you age. Will you be able to find meaning in your life if you don’t have children? Only you can answer that.
In my situation, I just kept kind of living day to day – having a good time with my husband, but not planning for my emotional future. I had a real wake-up call a few months ago when I started skipping periods and realized it’s the start of menopause . Even though I’m an athlete who is still in top shape, my fertile years are over just like that.
Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who wasted her life needlessly. I didn’t examine whether I really wanted children because I wanted to be with my husband. Now I look back at the person I was and want to scream “RUN” to her. Even though I love my husband. Even though my life is perfect in every other way. I still feel like I am not a whole person. And being a stepparent or step-grandparent is not the same – even in the best of scenarios, like mine.
My advice is that only you know yourself, but if you have even the slightest fear that you’ll end up like I feel, RUN. You can learn to love someone else, but you can’t go back in time to have children when you’re older. My cousin found himself in a marriage with someone who realized she didn’t want kids, and he left. That was 25 years ago. He now has a wonderful family with three happy, successful kids. So it can happen for you if that’s what you want.
I can’t tell you if you’ll be filled with regret. Some people aren’t. You might be perfectly fine with not having kids, and that’s a very valid choice. I’m not you. But I desperately hope you’ll make a decision that sits well with future you. Because once it’s over, it’s over.
I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear. It’s not what 29-year-old me would have wanted to hear. But nobody took the time to tell me this might be a possible outcome, so I’m taking the time to tell you.
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Thank you so much for your blog. It helps me to read your perspective. My husband and I will be 33 and 34 this year – biological clock ticking. I have always dreamed of being a mother and would love a large family. Every Christmas leaves me feeling empty. My husband recently told me he’s not ready – he didn’t say no – but just not yet. I am struggling between giving him the space he needs and my worry that we are gambling with time. My parents struggled with fertility problems and I worry that will happen to us and we’ve left things too late. I will be devastated if I don’t have a child. I am such a maternal person. I feel like it defines me. I would be happy to adopt, but am not sure about him. However, I cherish our marriage and can’t imagine leaving him because we have been together 15 years and married for 2.5. I’m struggling with feelings that he has let me down and tricked me because he knows how important this is for me – I felt sick to my stomach when he told me. I can’t even attend gatherings with my friends and even took a break from Facebook because I am so jealous of the postings with kids and seeing pregnancy announcements. I am so grateful I am not alone. Thank you.
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Oh trust me when I say you surely are not alone. This is a great place to write and read.
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Man, this is a tough one! I agree that hopefully you would work these things out before marriage, but I know that won’t always be the case. If it turns out that your spouse can’t have children, I think you must find a way to stay in the marriage. You vowed to stay with them in sickness and in health and to me, infertility is a sickness.
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I agree, Jennifer. You made a commitment, and this is part of it.
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Wow, I’m on the opposite side of the coin. I had my son at 20, I’m now 36. I met my husband at 21 and have been with him ever since. He has wanted kids since we got married in 2008. I don’t want any more kids.
When I was in my early 20’s, I was able to go to school, work and raise a baby. At 36, I can barely stay awake past 10. My son is going to graduate high school next year (a year ahead) and we’ll be free to travel and enjoy life–no diapers, formula, sleepless nights, teething, crankiness, etc, etc. We can spend money on luxury items, whereas most of our friends spend all they earn on daycare and the baby.
I’m one of the lucky ones- no stretch marks, varicose veins, weight gain, no gray hairs (my sis had gray hair right after birth at 28) etc. I bounced right back within four months ( I didn’t breastfeed though, so I calorie-restricted). I feel like if I had a baby at 36 I would never be that lucky; it would destroy my body.
My husband doesn’t agree. Having his own kid means everything to him. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to resent the baby or my husband either. It’s not easy on either side.
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[…] about deciding whether or not to stay in a childless relationship, readers comment at length. (See Stay in a Relationship Without Kids or Go?)That’s the key question for so many. Do I stay or go? Do I accept a childless marriage with the […]
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Nocluewhattodo has left a new comment on the post “Stepchildren add stress to childless marriages”:
I’m 34, been with my partner for four years his three children now 9, 10 and 14 live with us permanently, as they don’t have contact with their mum, as she is an alcoholic and hadn’t had contact in 6-7 years. I have a wonderful relationship with all three kids for which I’m truly blessed. Problem is I want a child of my own. My partner is refusing, and I don’t know what to do. He says he feels too old for another child (he’s 43) and that he considers his three kids to be “ours” and that they look on me as a mum and we’re raising them together and wants this to be enough for me.
We have a very happy family life and a wonderful relationship which I cherish but I worry that if I stay I’ll end up resenting that I never had a child of my own and ruin our relationship. But if I go, I worry I’ll never have a relationship as loving or that I’ll be unable to conceive anyway.(had two miscarriages with ex in mid 20’s) and I’ll have left my happy family behind for nothing. The selfish part of me believes he should change his mind about having a child with me as a reward for bringing up his children, but the sensible part of me knows that’s just stupid.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did your choices work out?
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I sure feel for you and totally understand where you are. My husband had one son who lived with us on and off. I only thought it fair that I should be able to have the child I desperately want, too, but in the end my husband made it clear he did not want any more. I think whichever way you choose, you will have regrets. There are positives and negatives to both sides and it will just be a matter of deciding which negatives you can live with without them destroying you. I chose to stay with my husband. I made that decision based on the fact that I really didn’t want to get divorced and I knew he loved me very much. If I chose to leave, there was no guarantee that 1) I would find another man who loved me as much as my husband did and 2) that I could even get pregnant. Women don’t know they are infertile until they can’t get pregnant. So, I chose the safest route and stayed with a man that after 31 years of marriage still loves me. We have had a great time and I have been blessed. Do I have regrets?? Sure, there are days that I do. But I also think I would have regrets leaving this awesome man, too, and missing out all that I have had with him.
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I have absolute empathy for Tor, very very difficult situation . I am 37 and it was no easier, but staying meant I was starting to have a slow cancer eating me up inside . You have to do what is right for you .
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Thanks for your reply, Candy. It’s good to know that people can make it work when they stay.
I love my partner very much and he loves and cherishes me in return. As the children (I never say “his” children as it feels disrespectful to them) grow up, we are starting to have more freedom and he doesn’t want to lose that. I can see where he is coming from and know he makes a good point about our life plans and how to start again with a baby would affect these.
I seem to swing wildly between understanding what he is saying and almost agreeing with him and a complete opposite need/ urge to have a child of my own.
I know I’m very fortunate, more than most reading some stories on here. I have a wonderful man who loves me and has never lied to me about wanting kids. It’s my own wishful thinking that he’d change his mind which has led to this point.
I’m lucky that even through all of this agonizing it’s been as much as it can be agonizing together about what’s best for us both.
I know I’m very lucky to have a brilliant relationship with all three kids and none of the problems that seem to plague others, as their mum is out of the picture. (Alcoholic, no contact in six if not seven years)
My problem is I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings.
Candy, how long did it take you to accept your decision as being the right path?
I worry I’ll always have these wide swings in my heart about what’s for the best, which makes it so hard to know what to do, but obviously I’m going to have to bite the bullet and make a decision at some point soon about what to do.
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I have to be honest, Nicki. I don’t know that I really have accepted this path as being the “right” one, but it is the path I have chosen and I am making the best of it. I think those of us without children (for whatever reason) think that having children will create the perfect world for us. I think where I started to see that this is not necessarily true is when my sisters started having babies. My first niece was born blind in one eye. It’s a brain thing, not an eye thing, and after all the struggles they went through to kickstart the brain into sending the signal to the eye to make it work, nothing worked. She was forced to wear a patch over the good eye for months to try to make her brain start using the bad eye and this poor little girl was forced into blindness. It was absolutely heart-wrenching for everyone. My niece would beg her parents to not have to wear the patch because she wanted to see. Finally it was determined the brain just wasn’t going to work and they gave up. She is fine and functions with one eye, but heaven forbid something happen to the one good eye. Then there is my second niece (froma different sister) who was born with Torticollis which is where her head was not in the correct shape. She looked rather odd as her ears were not even. Not even close! So for the first two years of her life, she was in rehab multiple days a week, every week for two years trying to reshape her head. They did an amazing job! When my niece (now 13) wears her hair down, you can’t even tell. If it is in a pony tail, you might notice her one ear is out of place and sticks out a bit, but not too severely. Now comes my third niece. Horrible croup when she was a baby. We were all concerned that my sister might not be handling it well and were concerned for my niece. Thank goodness all was well and they both got over the croup. But then came the worst thing ever. She was diagnosed at seven years old with Type 1 diabetes and my sisters life has never been the same. Her life now is filled with checking blood sugars 24 hours a day. Since the diagnosis five years ago, my sister has slept a full night without waking up to check blood sugars a total of maybe seven times and that because she was either sick, or away from home. She isn’t able to go to bed at the end of a long day when tired if blood sugars are still high or too low. And when she finally gets to go to bed, she is setting her alarm to wake up in an hour to see if the blood sugars are leveled out and that her daughter isn’t in a coma. This will never go away.
So, when looking at all of this and knowing I have the same genes, I couldn’t help but wonder why would I expect a perfectly healthy child with no problems?? And was I willing to give up the awesome fun I was having with a man that loved me dearly? There was a time when my husband gave in and said we could have a child, but I could see his heart wasn’t in it. Then I thought how unfair it would be to my child to give them a father who just wasn’t into being a dad. Sadly that is what my mother gave me and my siblings. My dad was happy to make the babies, but had no interest in us kids after that and our entire lives were spent longing for a dad who wanted to be with us.
I know I’m rambling, sorry. But this is how I came up with staying on the path with my husband. I’m okay with it most of the time. Menopause has helped in stopping being hopeful every 28 days that divine intervention kicked in. I still have resentments. I do not believe they will ever go away completely and have just learned to live with them. I still don’t go to baby showers, watch scenes in a movie/show were the lady is giving birth and will stop watching a show altogether if one of the characters gets pregnant. And I never, ever go to church on Mother’s Day! (Which by the way is coming up again way too soon and I have already started seeing ads and commercials which I hate.). I figure if God wants to see me in church on Mother’s Day, then he should have made me a mother. Oops. I guess I let a little resentment slip out. :-).
So… I guess you can see I haven’t totally accepted my path…. But I try and focus on all the blessing I do have, like a husband that loves me after 31 years of marriage. How many single mothers would love to have that??
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Candy, thank you for this comment. I so agree with you about Mother’s Day. Take care.
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Thank you for being so honest I guess it’s just not possible to fully accept one way or the other completely and like you say you just have to do your best.
I still feel at the stage of thinking “why me – why can’t I have everything I want? Other people seem to,” which isn’t particularly helping me make a decision.
I’ve asked my partner to take a week or so to make sure he is fully accepting that if he keeps saying no to a baby then there’s a real possibility of me leaving and for him to make sure he is prepared for that.
He tends to jump to an opinion quickly and then stubbornly refuse to change his position until he’s had time to consider the options.
In honesty, I’m liking the break from talking about it with him. We were just going round and round in circles, and if he comes back saying he’s prepared to lose me, then I’ll know 100% that he will never change his mind about it. I can see if I can drum up any acceptance of that on my side, and if not, then I guess I’ll know I have to leave.
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So glad I found this place!
My husband and I got married when I was 20 (he was 26), and divorced when I was 23. We’ve been back together for over two years now, and we remarried in Sept. 2015. When we originally got married, we agreed on having kids, but we were young and dumb and things went south. I’m now 28 and he’s 34. When we first got back together, we were discussing plans on buying a house and having a family. We had a good plan, and then it changed. He didn’t think he wanted to have kids anymore. His window of opportunity closed. He promised he’d think about it, and during times in our relationship when we feel really close, he said things like, “After this trip, maybe we can start trying. We’ll see.” But that never comes to fruition. And when he’s mad at me, he says things like, “I’m definitely not having kids!” It’s like a weapon and a tool for him. He uses it to get me to change things he wants me to change.
Anyway, this has been going on for the last two years, so I’m coming to realize that he’s not going to change his mind. His reasons are that we got divorced once, and that’s not something he wants a kid to go through (even though our relationship is exceptional now). He also says I’m absentminded, and doesn’t think I’d be responsible enough for a baby. And lastly, we’re not set up well enough to give our child everything it deserves. Now I disagree with all of those points wholeheartedly, but that doesn’t matter. I have to accept that it’s not happening. So now I’m trying to figure out how to get over it. I’ve already been out there and know that there is no one out there that I want more than I want him. But I’m so angry at him. He thinks I should just not allow myself to be angry. To get over it. But how do I do that? I feel tricked. I feel like it’s not fair. He gets the life he wants. He gets me and he gets to travel and buy man toys and blah blah blah, and I just have to get over it and somehow find fulfillment in a lifestyle that I find hollow.
I don’t know what to do. I know my anger is probably painting him to be an evil person, but he’s not. He truly loves me and he takes care of me. In all other ways, he’s a dream husband. I really need advice.
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It isn’t fair. Keep talking until he realizes how much this hurts. He needs to understand if you’re going to succeed together.
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Reading this helps me know I’m not alone. My husband and I have been married for almost six years. In the beginning, he wanted kids right away, but we were poor college students and we decided to wait. A few years ago, I got pregnant and I lost it. It was very hard on me. At that point, he started saying he had changed his mind. He’s been going to therapy to see what the root cause has been, but it’s been years and he still doesn’t want kids and our love life is nonexistent. He doesn’t know if he will change his mind, I have expressed my desire to be a mother and that it’s a deal breaker. He is saddened but says that he’ll keep going to therapy. Do I wait and hope he changes his mind or do I risk what I have? I know that I would be resentful if I stay and we don’t have children.
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Lifeasitis, I’m so sorry this is happening. I think you need to stick to what you said, that this is a deal breaker. Give him a little more time, maybe six months, but don’t give him forever.
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A followup to this: My husband has asked for a divorce. I’m completely heartbroken, as I still love him. He doesn’t feel it’s fair that he’s holding me back on having a family and doesn’t feel he’s been fair to me. At this point, I’m confused. I love him dearly and I’ve started to wonder if having children is more important than losing my soulmate.
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[…] “Lifeasitisbyme” reported recently that her husband is divorcing her so she can go have children with someone else. She says, “I’m completely heartbroken as I still love him. He doesn’t feel it’s fair that he’s holding me back on having a family and doesn’t feel he’s been fair to me. At this point I’m confused. I love him dearly and I’ve started to wonder if having children is more important than losing my soulmate.” […]
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This is such a difficult subject and I think it’s great your book and blog talk about it so honestly and openly. I am not able to have children and I know my partner does want them, which makes me feel so helpless and powerless. But we have a very happy relationship and I would hope that people choose a childless marriage with someone they love, rather than children with someone they don’t.
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Thank you for sharing this, Tom. I’m sorry for your situation.
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