Okay, so I’m a day late. Yesterday, we had a big meeting at my job that got me so stressed I got physically sick. It went better than expected, but tell that to my stomach, which is still messed up. So today’s post will be a mishmash.
Lots of baby news lately. On Tuesday, I became a great-aunt. Note the hyphen. Whether I’m a “great” aunt is probably up for debate, considering I live 700 miles away and the poor kid has five aunts named some variation of Susan. Riley Kay Fagalde was born to my nephew William and his wife Courtney in California. All are well. I’m waiting for pictures.
In the past when I got baby news, I cried because I’ll never have my own babies. But now, I feel nothing but happiness and regret that I don’t live closer. That’s it. No weeping because I don’t have children or she’s not my grandchild. I’m just glad she’s here. So maybe that proves that eventually you can be okay most of the time with being childless.
The same day, my friend Terry welcomed her first grandchild, Penelope. I’m so happy for her and her kids. I do feel a little twinge of grandma envy, but I’ve got too much going on in my life to dwell on it.
Now ask me how I feel about women who still have husbands! 🙂
So, for those worrying about how you’re going to feel when you’re older, let it go. You can’t know how you’ll feel in 20, 40 or 60 years. You can only deal with what you know now. Do I wish I had children and grandchildren? You bet. Do I wish I was the one making my dad a great-grandfather? I do, but it’s way too late to do anything about it, and if you pay any attention to the news lately, we have other problems to worry about.
***
Speaking of news . . .
Here in the U.S. and in other so-called “first world” countries, acceptance of women without children is beginning to trickle in, but that’s clearly not the case in other parts of the world. Check out this guy from Turkey who says women without children are incomplete. “Turkey’s Erdogan says childless women are ‘incomplete.'”
Yes, but what if their men don’t cooperate????
Here’s a response from Australia. “Childfree and Happy.”
Here’s a comforting piece from a Jewish newspaper about a couple being hounded for not having kids. “Do No Harm to the Childless”.
And finally, one of those articles that will make you nod your head. “Ten Things People Say When You’re Almost 30 and Childless.” They usually have no idea what’s happening between you and your partner.
That’s it. Talk to me in the comments. And read some of the comments on past posts. You may want to respond.
Thanks for being here.
Childless by Marriage 
On the 10 things list, I loved the maternity clothes ads as I was reading it.
I’m debating sharing the Jewish post on FB. Do I really want to open myself up? People can be rough. Yet it’s such a good article.
Congrats on crossing the no cry threshhold! I rejoice with you. And I hope things calm down at your job, too. Sounds stressful.
LikeLike
I’m so glad you liked the links. I’d share the article. People can be jerks, but we need to speak our truths. Yes, the job is stressful, and I hope it calms down, too.
LikeLike
I feel like the article about being 30 and childless doesn’t apply to us. That woman has a husband who is willing to have kids, just “not yet” (they bought a house for the reason of having kids); it’s not like those of us who married someone who already has kids/is unwilling to have (more) kids.
This week at work, I’ve been hounded by co-workers and clients alike about when I’m going to divorce my husband of 2 months, why I put up with being so unhappy, does he not care about my happiness (I already told them that the answer is no).
We just never know if we can have kids/do we want to end up single parents?/is having a spouse who loves us enough? My husband just showed me a picture of his 3 boys that his ex-wife sent. I know that they communicate a lot…I’m just left out of the loop. Sometimes I’m fine with that, but other times, I feel that they talk more than we do. *shrug*
LikeLike
Amy, I hope your coworkers get off your back. Who needs that? Being married to a person with kids is never easy, and it’s quite an adjustment at first. I remember a big battle with the kids the day we got back from our honeymoon. It was really ugly. Give it a little time and tell your coworkers it’s none of their business.
LikeLike
Thanks, Sue. I know that they care about me; they see me cry all the time about it. They just want me to be happy. In reality, they care more about my happiness than my husband does. 😦
LikeLike
That’s not a good sign only two months into a marriage. Maybe they’re right. Give it six months and see.
LikeLike
We’ve been together for 2 years, and he’s gone back and forth over having kids with me. He wants someone who goes along with what he wants. I’m potentially getting a new position at work, and within a year or two, we’re moving to Arizona (from Florida) because his kids’ stepdad is relocating there. I get nothing but my dog. And my husband. It’s hard not to feel horrible and powerless when he gets everything he wants and I give up everything. Like so many, I’m so grateful for your blog and your book. I’m pouring over Wednesday Martin’s “StepMonster” right now, and I’m about to pull your “Childless By Marriage” book from my shelf and try to justify my feelings or something.
LikeLike
This Sunday is Father’s Day. I call it Chopped Liver Day. My stepsons usually do something for me, but I still feel like chopped liver. I’m 64 and childless and resent it more each day. I’ve the opportunity to leave for a much younger woman and have my own little family. After what my marriage has become, I’m 90% sure this is what I will do. I deserve to be happy and my own DNA family will do this. Karma be damned. When you do more giving than receiving, time to move on.
LikeLike
Hi, Tony. I forgot to write about Father’s Day. Head slap. I know it’s a tough day for you and all the other guys who want children and don’t have them. Chopped liver is a good description. I’ve been there. How long have you been talking about leaving for this younger woman? We’re both 64, and we aren’t getting any younger.
LikeLike
Sue,
You’re right. I’m going to leave and soon. You’re very
busy, you can’t remember everything. I must say that you and the posters on this blog have helped me a lot. Yes, we’re 64. However, when you consider the alternative, it’s not bad.
LikeLike
I’m in church and everyone is wishing me “Happy Father’s Day.” I know they mean well, but I already feel like a failure and a secondhand father. I’m having a really hard time today.
LikeLike
I’m sorry, Tony. Hang in there. In less than 24 hours, it will be over.
LikeLike
Sue,
Thank you. Your reply is very comforting. For whatever reason, I’m having a much harder time of it this year. My stepsons have been attentive, but I still feel like chopped liver. Thrift store daddy. Let’s see, Father’s Day will be over in nine hours and 44 minutes. It can’t come soon enough. Thank you for your encouraging reply. I desperately needed it.
LikeLike
I made the mistake of going to lunch. This restaurant is insane today. Monday is coming.
LikeLike
Sue,
Am I the only man who posts here ? It seems so. There are many men who feel the way I do. Why they don’t post here is puzzling.
LikeLike
Tony, you’re not the only one, but you’re one of the few, and we’re glad you’re here. Any guys out there? Come on, speak up. It’s safe.
LikeLike
Sue,
I hope more guys will. I have male friends who are similarly situated and to a person we all feel like chopped liver on Father’s Day.
LikeLike
I understand your comment about husbands. As my husband’s illness progresses (I’m thankful it’s slowly), I feel less and less like I have a husband. For some time now, I have felt more like a room mate. We have slept in separate rooms now for about two years. And slowly I’m becoming more of a caretaker than a wife. I know you understand. We move in a week to the mainland. Am so sad I’m leaving my island paradise!!! Tears well up every day. However, I have had to stop having tears in front of my husband because he feels so bad, that this is all his fault. He has enough struggles every day, I don’t want to add guilt on top of it!! Like how I am seeing women with their children, I now find myself resenting seeing women with their healthy men. And if I have to watch one more Viagra and Cialis commercial that implies they are all running around having wild sex, I think I will vomit! Haha. Being childless doesn’t consume me as much as it used to. Not enough time to think about it these days between my husband’s doctors’ appointments, medication and managing his symptoms. I’m not saying that I am any less resentful. Just not enough energy to dwell on it anymore.
LikeLike
Boy, can I identify with everything you say, Candy. We moved into separate bedrooms about two years before my husband moved to the nursing home. And sex? Yeah, right. I am definitely jealous of women who have healthy husbands. It puts the whole childless thing in a different perspective. But it’s also hard not to think about how things might be a lot easier if we had children to help us. Anyway . . . I’m so sorry you have to leave Hawaii. I know how beautiful and how different it is there. We had many wonderful trips there. In fact, our last vacation together was to the Big Island. So nice. Hang in there. It will get easier someday.
LikeLike