Post on man who doesn’t want kids draws strong reaction

 

 Dear friends, 

Sometimes I get comments on posts that appeared here months or even years ago. You may or may not remember what I wrote last August about a friend’s daughter finding herself in a pickle shortly before her wedding when her fiance declared he did not want children. Not fair, I said. What a horrible thing to do to her. The young woman subsequently broke off the engagement and took herself on a tour of Asia instead. Now she’s back home with her new dog Prince. She has gone back in school to finish the education she interrupted to be with this man. 

You can read the original post here: Another Man Drops the No-Kids Bomb

This week, Aaron responded. His words are harsh but include a lot of truth. So I offer his comment in full and encourage you to respond. 

I know it’s a little old now but this post is completely ridiculous.

“What is she supposed to do now?”

Leave him. It’s not complicated. They disagree on a fundamental life decision. The timing is far from ideal but better to end it now than getting divorced later, or him having children he doesn’t want.

“I want to throttle the guy.”

Really? You want to throttle someone you seemingly have never met, over an issue you know almost nothing about? You have no idea what was actually said. For all you (and your friend) know, he made it clear from the start and his fiancee chose to ignore it. I see it all the time on forums; someone posts all weepy about “never getting to have a family” but admits that their partner told them they didn’t want children before they ever got married. They’ll add in some rationalization like “we had a miscommunication” or “I didn’t know he meant never,” but we all know what really happens in most cases: he told her upfront that he never wanted children, she heard it loud and clear, and thought she could change him. That is 100% on her, no sympathy.

“What right does he have to take motherhood away from her?”

Thankfully he doesn’t, and that isn’t what’s happening. She can choose to leave him if she wants to be a mom that badly. Not sure why so many people infantilize women in relationships like this; that’s something else I see all the time. The woman wants marriage, children, etc. and her man is “dragging his feet” or whatever. Everyone talks about how he needs to step up, s*** or get off the pot, let her go… when all they should really be doing is telling her to leave him. Women are adults with their own agency. They shouldn’t be waiting for nor depending on a man’s actions. It’s pretty misogynistic really, and that’s coming from someone who is disgusted by much of modern-day feminism.

“He’s not old, does not have kids from another marriage. So what’s the deal?”

Maybe… he just doesn’t want kids? Like, you know that’s a thing right? Some people just don’t ever want to have children. I’m one of them. You aren’t, and I respect that. And you should similarly respect the choices of others.

I hope I haven’t offended any of you, and I can appreciate that you and many here have been through terrible emotional pain regarding having your own children… but that isn’t an excuse for posting nonsense like this.

Thank you, Aaron, for giving it to us straight. Readers, what do you think? 

For a female view of a similar situation, see this May 2017 post, Should She Stay with Her Boyfriend Who Doesn’t Want Kids? 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Post on man who doesn’t want kids draws strong reaction

  1. Thanks a lot for this, I appreciate your kind words. I also apologize if mine were a bit too harsh at times.

    I’m actually really happy to hear how that situation turned out, the young lady sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.

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  2. I 100% agree with Aaron, except his rather harsh last phrase! I suspect I opted not to respond to your post last year, as I recall reading it. It is not a popular view in the ALI community, but I do feel that it is completely hypocritical to see women insist that their wishes be taken into account, but to refuse to respect their partner’s views.

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  3. The bride was grieving the loss of a life with a man she loved plus the loss of raising their kids. I don’t fault her for needing support in that situation. It’s fine for people to have a differing opinion but why so harsh? It’s possible to differ with someone and not be condescending and critical about it. Take a look in the mirror. Who hasn’t made a mistake? Lighten up folks.

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  4. I remember reading that post and thinking, “well, it’s good that she knows now and not later.” Obviously not ideal, but as imperfect human beings I assume the man was “trying” to imagine himself with children but ultimately could not follow through. He ultimately did honor your niece by ending something he knew to be wrong.

    Your comments, Sue, I felt were appropriate as a loving aunt. We see our family hurting and we want to feel that pain for them. Your history as a childless woman gave you a unique perspective on her situation. Of course you wanted to throttle him!

    I like that Aarons words were empowering to woman. It’s true that certain people (as men also fall into this mistake) “assume” that everything will work out. The assumption of course is that “our” agenda will be fulfilled by the person who will ultimately disappoint us.

    Too many times in my past I’ve “assumed”. How I wish someone in my life would have said, “Really? You want to put up with that? Really? You don’t see how terrible this person is for you? Move on – you deserve better. Don’t be a victim. Travel, learn, work, do anything except follow this man.”

    A great deal of my 40ish years life I’ve been a victim. But I’m different now. Life is overwhelming because I’m finally seeing all that I missed and I’m mourning all that will not be. I’m also seeing all the potential that still exists and I know I cannot do it all. How am I going to cram 40 years of missed joy and opportunities into the remaining life I have (however many years it may be). I regret all that I will not experience while reminding myself that I am exactly where I’m supposed to me. Like your niece, I’ve been given a gift by the universe. I just don’t know yet how much beauty is there.

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