Help! The Mother’s Day advertisements have already started. I thought maybe with the COVID-19 crisis shutting everything down, we could skip the whole thing. No brunches, no special sales, no mother-honoring rituals at church. Everything is closed, and we’re supposed to stay home. We could finally have a respite from the whole mess. But no, here it comes again this Sunday. Have Mother’s Day brunch delivered, send her flowers, set up a family Zoom meeting, show her how much you care. Yada yada yada.
Last night on a sitcom, just in time for Mother’s Day, one of the main characters found out she was pregnant, and I cried. For Pete’s sake, does it never end?
Time to duck and cover again.
In the UK, they celebrate “Mothering Sunday” in March. It’s much like our own U.S. Mother’s Day. Some people who survived it offered their advice on the Full Stop podcast recently.
Civilla Morgan and Allie Anderson both had fertility problems and frequently write and speak about being childless not by choice. Like the rest of us, they grit their teeth through the day honoring moms.
Morgan, a “preacher’s kid,” used to go to church every Sunday. On Mothering Sunday, the mums were asked to stand and receive a gift. We all know how that feels. It sucks. An older woman suggested she simply not go to church on that day. Instead, she started talking to people about how painful it is, and she got several churches to change how they approached the day.
“It’s not okay for mothers to stand while non-mothers remain seated,” Morgan said. While she understands that mothering is a most important job, “We’re still women and we’re still human. People need to realize there’s a whole community existing in plain sight.”
She has come to accept that God has his reasons for why her life is the way it is, but she strives to make other people understand how the childless feel when they’re left out.
Anderson also struggles with Mothering Sunday. She can feel relatively fine the rest of the year, and then comes the holiday. “It can put you right back at your very lowest.” Mothering Sunday/Mother’s Day just emphasizes the feeling of “otherness,” she said.
For Anderson, it’s not just the grief of not having children but the pregnancies she lost, the deaths of the children she might have had.
We all know this is a “Hallmark holiday,” blown out of proportion by companies trying to sell their merchandise. We know we should honor our own mothers every day, not just Mother’s Day. But it still hurts. So how do we survive?
- Avoid social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.). You know it’s going to be full of mom celebrations.
- We do need to honor our own mothers and grandmothers if they’re still around, but it does not have to be on that actual day, Anderson says. Why not celebrate the weekend before or after and make other plans for Mother’s Day?
- Morgan suggests journaling to release the thoughts and feelings you don’t feel you can say out loud.
- Don’t go to restaurants where the servers will be wishing every woman Happy Mother’s Day.
- Don’t go to church if they traditionally single out moms with a special ritual.
- Don’t expect your stepchildren to do anything special; they will be busy honoring their bio mom.
This year, the celebrations may all be online, but the same advice applies. Instead of moping, do something fun. Take a hike, go to the beach, watch a movie, read a book, clean the garage, or stay in bed and make love all day. Do whatever makes you happy, and if anyone complains, explain that while you love and honor the mothers in your life, the day is too painful for you, so you’ll see them another time.
For male readers, the same applies to Father’s Day. Go fishing or something till it’s over.
The Full Stop Podcast for folks who are childless not by choice is a good resource. There are enough posts to keep you busy all through Mother’s Day.
I wish you all health and peace on Mother’s Day and every day.
Childless by Marriage 
So far, this week has been quite difficult. Two of my Facebook friends are doing a ‘ten photos that make me proud to be a mother’ thing which involves posting a cute photo every day for ten days and nominating other mothers to join in. My daily radio programme are playing clips of babies laughing to ‘cheer us all up’. The TV is wall-to-wall doom and gloom. Thankfully I don’t have Mother’s Day to contend with as I’m in the UK. Wishing you the best day you can have on Sunday, Sue.
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Ugh, 10 days of mommy pictures. I’ve got friends posting 10 days of dog pictures. I plan to ignore Sunday as much as possible.
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Jo, I listen to Women’s Hour too. I heard the laughing babies once or twice this week, it didnt actually bother me, but that sort of thing is hard if it does trigger you. And I have ‘unfollowed’ a person doing the 20 days of being a mother.
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[…] for another perspective on how women mother, please check our Sue Lick’s latest post, Hide. It’s Almost Mother’s Day Again. She includes a few worthwhile links and observations. Here’s an […]
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So appreciate all you do to support and uplift throughout our community, Sue, and your awareness raising for the world at large. Just mentioned you and this post in my latest https://www.blog.silentsorority.com/mother-is-also-a-verb/
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Thank you so much, Pamela.
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Thanks for all you do to support and uplift women in our community, Sue! Happy to include your latest blog post in mine as a resource. xx
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Sue, I’m sorry you had an “ouch moment.” I hope it passes for you. I think right now everyone is much more vulnerable, and so things that might not have bothered us in a normal year will be more painful again.
I’ve also included this lovely post in my most recent post. I hope you don’t mind. it helps so many people to know they’re not alone. https://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2020/05/its-that-day-again-pandemic-version.html
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Thank you, Mali. I’m flattered to be included in your blog.
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Love your blog Sue, love your insights and perceptions. I hope the upcoming Mother’s Day for you passes quickly – all this hallmark nonsense drives me nuts too!
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Hiding out at home, I should be able to ignore the whole thing. May you have a peaceful and happy day.
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We had ours in the uk back in March, which I managed to skilfully avoid, also by hiding out at home. I also avoided social media and mainstream tv. We do what we have to do!
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“It’s not okay for mothers to stand while non-mothers remain seated,” Morgan said. While she understands that mothering is a most important job, “We’re still women and we’re still human. People need to realize there’s a whole community existing in plain sight.”
I guess my thinking varies from day to day. And everyone feels differently on this path. My feeling usually is that it IS okay for mothers to be honored on Mothers Day (even if it’s a manufactured holiday). I agree it does sort of hurt on that particular Sunday. But these women deserve to be celebrated for their role. Is it hard to attend a family Mother’s Day party when literally every adult women there (except for me) is a mother. Sure. But there it is. I don’t want anyone tip-toeing around me when they have every right to celebrate their role on a holiday devoted to them.
The real problem I have is when I am respectful to others and then people pity me for not being a mother. Like the year a sister-in-law tried to convince me that being a dog mom is equally important, but in the next sentence announced that her own dog was doing poorly and might be dead when she got home that evening. Like, she obviously DOESN’T think that her role as a dog mom is important or she would have been at home with the poor animal or getting it the help it needed. On several levels, I regret not pointing out her callousness.
Or those who wish me a “happy Mother’s Day” because I’m a godmother. Now I just smile and say thanks. In past years, I’ve said, “Thanks, but it really isn’t the same and that’s okay.” And they would argue with me about how VERY important a godmother is. And I’d argue a bit before letting it go. But the remaining feeling would be sadness AND resentment that I had to go through all that.
Actually, I do still resent that people haven’t learned and those same people continue to say the same silly things.
So celebrate – but don’t gush. Be considerate – but don’t pity. I know I’m missing something important, but my life is incredibly full in other ways. Don’t make me fight to prove that point to you because that will always take me down a few notches and hurt more.
(you being the person in front of you who is hurting you – not you Sue. You’re the best!) Hugs to all on this difficult weekend.
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Thanks, Anon S. This is a great comment. Nobody wants pity, and I am not my dog’s mother. Hugs to you.
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