Flattened by a Film

Remember that Steve Martin movie “Father of the Bride, Part II,” where his wife and daughter are both having babies at the same time? When they showed the movie on TV, I sat on the floor watching it alone and sobbed.

It’s supposed to be a comedy. I had seen it before. It has appealing actors, delightful dialogue and a happy ending. So what’s my problem?

The usual. I don’t have a baby. I won’t have a baby. I’m never going to have a baby. I don’t have a grandchild, I won’t have a grandchild, I’m never going to have a grandchild. My father will never look at me with the kind of pride that Steve Martin gave his pregnant daughter or the adoration he showed his pregnant wife. I will never have an excuse to run around wth stretchy clothes, an unrestrained appetite and that “glow” pregnant women are supposed to have. I will never have a little girl or boy to throw her or his skinny arms around my neck and hug me. I won’t have a child to teach how to read, how to knit or how to bake cookies. I won’t–

Stop. What kills me most of all is that I could have had children. And I didn’t. What have I done? Why did I marry men who didn’t want children? Why did I let them take this away from me? So I watch this comedy about having babies and I cry, cry, cry. I close the door so my husband won’t hear me. I told him I was over it.

This is a passage from my Childless by Marriage book. The ebook will be online by Mother’s Day. Meanwhile, have you felt this way? Two weeks ago, I saw a mother and baby at church while I was playing the piano. It was all I could do to hang on. I saw the same mother and baby last Sunday and felt nothing. I just never know.

What gets you crying when you think you’re managing your childlessness and the tears come out of nowhere?

Copyright 2012 Sue Fagalde Lick