Is the Problem More Than Him Just Not Wanting Children?

If your male partner is not agreeing to have children, even though you want them, is there more to your disagreement then just the baby question? That’s what Beth Follini of the Have Children or Not blog suggests in a recent post. Although they may have valid reasons for not wanting kids, in some cases, they might have issues with commitment, attachment and even narcissism, she says. It’s an interesting thought. I see lots of red flags in the comments here that make me think the man’s reluctance to have children is only one of many problems in the relationship. Know what I mean? Of course, the situation can be reversed, with the woman being the one who doesn’t want to have children. See what Beth says about.

I’m kind of struggling through this week, so please visit this link and let me know what you think. Beth, who counsels clients struggling with the baby decision, also recommends a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love by Amir Levine for more on this subject.

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Some Tidbits for Your Childless Christmas Stocking

I’ll bet most of us are going a little crazy with Christmas only a week away. I was out of town for my dad’s surgery in early December (he’s doing great), so I got all off schedule. To catch up, I decided to do everything in one day: shopping, cards and decorating. For those inclined to try it, take my advice and don’t. About a third of the way through the decorations, I started sobbing. It was just too hard with no kids, no husband, and no family nearby. Why bother? The dog hovered around me, trying to lick my face as I dove deep into my pity party.
The next day I was over it and finished what I could, deciding I didn’t need to do everything I had done every year before. To be honest, not having children or grandchildren meant a lot fewer gifts to worry about. I had my presents in the mail before the post office closed at noon. Now I’m done decorating and almost finished with the cards. I’m finally able to listen to Christmas carols.
As we established in last week’s post, I don’t have any young children in my life. Everybody’s kids have grown up. But that’s not the case for lots of childless people. This time of year, they find themselves surrounded by people obsessed with making Christmas special for their kids. I’ll bet some of you can identify with this reader’s dilemma over the family gift exchange in the Ask Carolyn column. I like Carolyn’s answer. Do you?
In lieu of any brilliant thoughts of my own today, I offer two additional articles that I think you’ll find worth reading. In the first one, Jody Day of Gateway-Women offers a powerful essay, “Childlessness is a Political, as Well as a Deeply Personal, Issue” on the difficulties of being childless at Christmas  and throughout the year.
This piece, “I’m So Glad I’ve Frozen My Eggs,” linked from the Have Children or Not blog, offers a fascinating look at one possibility for women who are worried about not being able to have children until after their eggs are too old.
Happy reading, and please try to enjoy all the good things about the holidays and let the rest go. As always, I welcome your comments.

Check out these childless/childfree links

Having written myself down to my last syllable this week, today I am sharing some interesting links about having or not having children.

Get tired of people asking when you’re going to have kids or failing to understand that the decision has been made and you’re not? This fun article in Jezebel by Karyn Polewaczyk may give you some ideas on how to counter those nosy nellies. Thanks to Beth Follini for sharing this in her “Have Children or Not”  blog.

From a book called Why Have Kids by Jessica Valenti comes this excerpt reprinted in The Atlantic, titled “Not Wanting Kids is Entirely Normal.” 

For a perspective on babymaking vs. careers, check out “I am More Than Just a Uterus” on the Road Less Traveled blog.

Finally, visit my friend Jody Day’s Gateway Women blog to read “Healing the Friendship Gap Between Mothers and The Childless.” 

Have a great weekend, dear friends.

Attention Vancouver childless women

If you are childless and live in the Lower Mainland/Vancouver area of British Columbia, Emily Koert would like to talk to you. She is working on her doctorate in counselling psychology at the University of British Columbia and is researching childlessness after postponement or delay of motherhood. She is most interested in women who expected to become mothers but have run out of fertile years for various reasons, including reluctant partners.

Emily writes, “I am exploring the lived experience of chldlessness for these women, including examining how they construct their lives and identities as childless women.” She wants to do interviews in person.

If you are interested, contact her at eckoert@yahoo.com or contact me (here in comments or suelick@charter.net) and I’ll relay the message. Thanks.
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I’ve been blog-hopping lately and have some sites to recommend.

TheNotMom, published by Karen Malone Wright, is a colorful collection of information and wisdom about childlessness. She was kind enough to reprint one of my postings on June 27. I’m enjoying this site and think you might, too. Find it at http://TheNotMom.tumblr.com.

While you’re exploring, check out Have Children or Not, http://childrenornot.blogspot.com.

You might also want to visit The Savvy Auntie, http://www.savvyauntie.com.