Get Some Boxes–Childless by Marriage is Moving


Dear friends,
Next month, I will have been doing the Childless by Marriage blog for eight years. My first post was published on Aug. 27, 2007. Unbelievable. Eight years. Don’t panic. I have no intention of stopping. But I am working on moving the blog to a new site at WordPress.com. The address will be http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. The new site will offer features I can’t get with a “blogspot” blog and increase our community of childless-by-marriage friends. I already have two other blogs at WordPress, Unleashed in Oregon and Writer Aid. If all works smoothly, the previous posts and comments from this blog will be transferred to the new site. But I don’t want to take any chances, so until Aug. 26, 2015, I will publish the same posts at both sites.
I started the Childless by Marriage blog before I finished the Childless by Marriagebook, which came out in 2012. To be honest, the blog has been more successful than the book. At the heart of it is your comments, so much heartfelt sharing of joys, sorrows, successes and mistakes. You offer comfort to me and to one another. This has become a conversation, not just me talking into cyberspace.
You have been with me through my own pain and loss, including the death of my husband from Alzheimer’s Disease in 2011. You have supported me as I adapt to my new status as a widow, a new age group, and a new life on my own without the usual kids and grandkids to support me.
Of course I want to sell my books and draw attention to my writing through my blogs and other activities. That’s why most of us start blogs in the first place, but you have become precious to me, and I’m happy to be here as your big sister or Aunt Sue to listen to what you need to say. Most of you comment as “Anonymous.” That’s fine. I’m glad I can provide a private space to say what we might not be able to say anywhere else. I feel like I know you anyway.
I’d like to make this blog more interactive, maybe add some guest posts, feature more of you in the main blog. I welcome your suggestions. Meanwhile, I’m here. I may be moving, but I’m taking you with me.
Hugs,
Sue
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T is for Talk: Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About Childlessness


T is for Talk: Couples need to talk about whether or not they want children. Back in my parents’ day, having children was assumed. You got married, you got pregnant, and you made babies. But now there are so many ways to avoid having children. Here in the U.S., birth control is plentiful and easy to obtain, and abortion is legal. People are getting married later in life and putting off parenting until it’s almost too late. Men and women going into second or third marriages often find that at least one of them has already had children and doesn’t want any more.
But when and how do you talk about this stuff? It’s not like you can say on the first date, “Hi, I’m Sue and I want three kids.” Or, “Hi, I’m Peter, my teenagers from my first marriage are bleeding me dry, and I never want to have any more children.” Or, “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I never really saw myself as a mother. I don’t want to be tied down.” Well, you can, but you might want to start off with a less explosive topic.
As a relationship progresses, when do you bring it up? Before you have sex? Before you move in together? Before the wedding? I don’t have the perfect answer, but I do know it needs to come up sooner rather than later. Day after day, I receive comments here from readers, mostly women, whose partners went along with the baby plans for a while, then dropped the bomb: I don’t want to have kids. Ever.They’re devastated. They don’t know whether to leave and look for someone who wants children or stay and give up their dreams of being parents. It hurts my heart to read these things. And then there are the ones who delayed childbirth for years, only to discover they have fertility problems.
All too often, once that bomb has been dropped, couples stop talking about it. They try to hide their hurt and anger from each other and from the other people in their lives. But it doesn’t go away. Dear friends, you have to talk about it. It will just fester and make you sick if you don’t. Talk with each other. Talk with your friends and family. Talk to your minister, your shrink, or your hairdresser. It is not something to be ashamed of. And don’t assume that your loved ones who have children won’t understand. They love you. They want to help.
It’s okay to talk about the fact that Mother’s Day makes you want to hide in a cave and never come out. It’s okay to say that watching a new mother cuddle her baby makes you want to sob. It’s okay to say, “We don’t have kids and I wish we did.” It’s also okay to say, “We never had children, and I’m happy.”
I feel like I’m giving a sermon here, but I wish I had talked more about it with Fred when I had the chance, instead of just crying in secret.
T is for talk.
We’re heading into the final week of our April A to Z blog challenge. My alphabetical posts are distributed among my Unleashed in Oregon, Childless by Marriage and Writer Aid blogs. Visit Unleashed in Oregon tomorrow to find out what U stands for, and come back here next Wednesday to find out what Z is going to stand for. (Anybody got any ideas?)
Talk to me in the comments.

Thinking beyond our childlessness

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Sometimes I get tired of thinking about childlessness. I’ve got a million other things on my mind, including nonstop meetings and rehearsals this week, my ongoing struggle to put my water-damaged den back together (see my Unleashed in Oregon blog), my need to practice for two upcoming musical performances, my job playing the piano at church, my dog’s ongoing flea problem, my aging father’s ailments, my best friend’s close call with breast cancer and continuing fight with COPD, missing my dead husband, selling my novel, wondering when I should prune my hydrangeas, the floods in Colorado, the shootings in Washington D.C., the conflicts in the Middle East, why some fools are angry that our new Miss America is of Indian descent, what I’m going to wear to the church fundraiser on Friday night . . .
There’s so much to think about besides the fact that I never had children. I wish I had them. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. I think. I’m not 100 percent sure. Marrying Fred was the best thing that ever happened to me. Losing him was the worst. Not having children is barely a blip in comparison. I want kids. I want grandkids. I want sticky-fingered hugs and kid pictures all over my house. I want somebody to buy toys for and to teach and to love and to watch carry on our family heritage into the future. I want all that. I didn’t get it. It makes me so angry I want to throw things.
But I can’t change it now, and there’s no point in ruining the life I do have because I didn’t get the one I thought I’d have.
Some of these thoughts are coming up because I’m reading Jody Day’s new book Rocking the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfiling Life Without Children. It’s a wonderful book that can help women who wanted children and don’t have them to deal with their grief and move on. I will give you a full review as soon as I finish it, but you can order it now.
My dear friends, I hurt for you. I feel your deep pain as you struggle to deal with situations where you feel lost, where you don’t know what to do about your mate who can’t or won’t give you children, where you go nuts when people with children just don’t understand how you feel. I know. I’ve been there. It’s big. It’s huge. It affects your whole life. That’s one of the main things I tried to show in my Childless by Marriage book, that everything is different when you never have children. But there is more to life. And there’s more to you than just the fact that you don’t have children. Think about it.
Group hug?

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[Sue Fagalde Lick is part of the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. ]