Got your attention with that title, huh? Well, good. At 4 a.m., I started making this list, and I encourage you to continue it in the comments. Before you say it, I will note that some of these can become you WILL via stepchildren, nieces, nephews, friends’ children, jobs and volunteer gigs.

If you don’t have children, you will never . . .

1. Have to worry about the school schedule (unless you’re a teacher)
2. Have to find a babysitter in order to go out to dinner, a movie, a party, or a trip around the world. (You might need a dogsitter)
3. Have to share your cookies with a child.
4. Add any names to your Christmas card signature.
5. Have anyone come after you on your family tree.
6. Show off pictures of your own children on your cell phone or post them on Facebook.
7. Have grandchildren or great-grandchildren.
8. Have sons- or daughters-in-law.
9. Have to worry about paying your children’s college tuition.
10. Have children to list as your next of kin.
11. Have to attend Little League or soccer games.
12. Learn the latest kid songs (unless you work at a preschool)
13. Be required to hang out in a roomful of sugar-crazed children.
14. Have to be careful at cussing in your own house.
15. Have an episiotomy. (Thank God!)
16. Have to watch cartoons before breakfast.
17. Share your pregnancy story at a baby shower
18. Be a full-fledged member of the Mom or Dad Club.
19. Have someone who looks like you call you Mom or Dad.
20. Stop answering questions about why you don’t have children.

That’s my list for now. I know you can add some more. And yes, I know you can do all this stuff with other people’s kids or with adopted children, but it’s not the same, is it?

***

This has been an insane week, another one in an insane year. Having my father die would have been enough. But on Tuesday, I was forced to give notice at my job, a job I loved. Our priest has banished half my choir because they dared to hold hands during The Lord’s Prayer. No warning. I can’t live with that. I will be taking my music skills to another church in the area. Meanwhile, today I have learned that my poetry chapbook, Gravel Road Ahead, has been published. Hallelujah. Info here. All of this may have something to do with me being up at 4 a.m., writing with this light-up pen I got from a charity for blind people.