‘Childless by the Marriage I Love’

Today, we have a guest post by Darinka from Hungary.

“But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world.

To you, I shall be unique in all the world.”

(Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince)

I like the story of The Little Prince, especially when the Fox tells this to the little boy. Reminds me of the “name it to tame it” approach that can help many times to settle our fears and heavy feelings. I set out for my journey of taming (and naming) my fox (or I could call it my monster) of childlessness three years ago when after seven years of marriage I learned that my husband didn’t want kids.

We live in an Eastern-European country, started our life together with very little means. We moved from one rented place to another, never feeling really settled. We both worked long hours, yet we didn’t feel financially safe enough to start a family. The topic did come up a few times over the years, but we felt the same way, that it was not the time yet.

Three years ago, we finally moved into our own home, which was a huge step for us. Now we were in our perfect little two-bedroom house on the edge of a small village by the woods. We now had the room and financial stability, so just after we moved, I felt it was time. My husband disagreed. We had to face that there are deeper reasons behind us not having kids than just financial ones. We started to go to counseling and found out more about our deeper reasons. My husband had a distant father who spent most of his life in severe depression, in and out of jobs, spending years in almost total silence and withdrawal. My husband was 17 when his youngest brother was born. He was an emotional crutch for his mum for many years, sharing the worries and troubles of his four siblings. So, my question of “Shall we have kids?” did not come to him as a sweet, exciting plan for life, more like another kilometer after a thousand-kilometer-long journey…no, no, not another one. 

A year after this, we decided to go for a puppy. My hopes were raised because I thought this meant we were making progress. We read books on how to bring up a puppy. Watched programs. Equipped the small bedroom, and so we brought home the sweetest black and white greyhound of six weeks. After three days, I sensed something was wrong. After five days, we both knew. My husband showed clear symptoms of burnout. He could not sleep, could not enjoy any of it, felt absolutely exhausted and depressed. He had such a strong physical and emotional reaction to caring for this little newcomer that finally it reached not only my mind but my heart, that this may be more serious than I thought, this may be permanent. We took the puppy back after a week. Cleared all her things. Packed up and went away for a few days because we couldn’t stay in the house. This sweet little puppy found a way to us. Showed my husband that he can’t accept the father within himself, showed me that I may never become a mum. She has opened a channel for my tears and sorrow. I cried for about six months. We shared many feelings, anger, fears, disappointment, hopelessness. But despite of all this (or because of all this), we moved closer to each other; our marriage became stronger.

I wanted to accept my husband’s feelings and decision. I read a lot, searched the web, joined groups, but couldn’t find a name for my monster. I deeply felt for those who struggled with fertility issues, but I didn’t. My brother and his wife were trying for a baby for seven years, my brother-in-law and his wife the same. We couldn’t really share our struggles with them. I couldn’t identify with those who are childfree by choice either. I am definitely not one of them. I felt it was neither my decision nor my medical circumstance, but what was it then?

I am still struggling with feeling the pressure of meeting others’ expectations, some guilt as I believe children are gifts from God. I find it difficult to say no to them, fear for the future. But I also know that the last thing I would want for my kids is for them to be unwanted by one of their parents. I’ve been there, I grew up like this, and I know it’s not a happy place. This is why I can’t follow advice like: just do it, no need to be ready, don’t worry, men usually want children less than women, just say you want it. Well, I can’t.

So, you see, it’s not only my husband; it’s me too. I am being loved and accepted by my husband. I feel it and I let myself enjoy this. I may still not feel wanted (that is too deep a wound to heal quickly), but I already know that I am.

Slowly a name is forming after all: I’m childless by marriage . . . and lately it seems less scary and less painful because I’m childless by not any marriage . . . but the marriage I love.

************************************************************

Thank you, Darinka, for filling in for me this week. I am deep into the final proofreading for the new book, Love or Children, coming very soon.

I you want to contribute a guest post to the Childless by Marriage blog, see the information in the sidebar.

4 thoughts on “‘Childless by the Marriage I Love’

  1. Thanks to Darinka for sharing this. She explains a lot of what I feel. There is a sadness but also an acceptance. I totally understand those women who yearn so greatly for a child that they will leave their husband. That feeling, that choice is theirs to make and thank God we have the freedom to do so. But Darinka’s path is my path. My husband is my family and if a child doesn’t materialize – then our family is complete. It’s certainly sad. It’s certainly unfair. But then, a lot of things in life are unfair.

    Similar to Danika’s husband, family life wasn’t celebrated while I was growing up. A dad who was constantly stressed, a mother who seemed scared of my dad and was constantly making sure he didn’t show an ounce of irritation. A difficult sister who stole a lot of joy. Plus my mother who flat out said that she wished she had waited to have kids. Once I hung out while my parents babysat my brother’s kids and the vibe in that house went from boisterous and fun (for 20 minutes) to “okay, let’s settle down. This is ridiculous.”

    I forgot the stress of growing up in a home where you were treated like company not a special member of the family. I’ve always worried that I wouldn’t be able to figure it out. I never wanted my children to feel the way I felt growing up. When my husband also seemed lacking in certain ways, it was easy to wait. Then wait some more. And finally accept that we probably shouldn’t be parents. Our family is complete, and we have at least learned to treat each other as special people in our lives. Truly there are many mothers (probably my own) who will never feel that. In this way, I am lucky.

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  2. Darinka (and Sue), thank you for this. What a beautiful piece, and what a perfect last phrase. I think many of us can relate, even those of us who are not considered to be “childless by marriage.” Because we have all had to deal with limits within relationships (or to find a relationship) when thinking about having children – our or our partner’s limits on what we can and cannot do (IVF, or another IVF, adoption, etc etc) that see us resolve to live our lives without children.

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  3. Anon S and Mali, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Having someone say “I hear you,” “I see what you mean,” really gives comfort and encouragement.

    Sue, I’m finding your book an incredible source of support. Many thanks for sharing your story so freely! I look forward to the new book! All the best with the final touches! 🙂

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