When you were born has a huge effect on how you feel about marriage and having children (and a whole lot of other things). I knew this in a vague sort of way, but the book Generations by Jean M. Twenge really opened my eyes. Gen X, Millennial, and Gen Z readers, I see you more clearly now.
The world is so different from when I was growing up as a baby boomer in the 1950s and ‘60s. Yes, I’m old, at least on the outside. On the inside, I’m still that long-haired hippie wannabe wearing mini-skirts and panti-hose and certain I would fall in love, get married and have children, just like all the other women in my family. Okay, not all. There were a few who didn’t have kids, but people didn’t talk about that stuff.
So much has changed. Birth control, legal abortion (until lately), women working outside the home as much as men, more people living into their 80s, 90s, and past 100, more young people going to college, student loan debt, the cost of living, LGBTQ folks going public and getting married, Internet, social media, smart phones . . . It’s not an Ozzie and Harriet world anymore.
A what? Exactly. Ozzie and Harriet Nelson were a real couple who had a black and white sitcom on TV featuring their lives with their two sons, Ricky and David. They were all musicians, and their problems were always resolved in less than a half hour, with time for a song at the end.
In her book, Twenge looks at each generation, from the Silent Generation (1925-1945) that was alive during World War II and their boomer children (1946-1964) through Gen X (1965-1979), Millennials (1980-1994), Gen Z (1995-2012), and what she calls Polars (2013-2029), the youngest generation. The changes are striking.
With each generation, people are waiting longer to get married, from late teens/early 20s in my day to an average of 28 for women and 30 for men now. And that’s just the average. Twenge writes: “Millennials are the first generation in American history in which the majority of 25- to 39-year-olds are not married.” They may or may not be living with a romantic partner, but marriage is pushed way down the road.
The trend continues with Gen Z, the oldest of whom are now at the height of their fertile years. The average age of women having their first child is 30, much later than earlier generations. But many millennials are choosing not to have children at all. It’s just not “required” the way it felt when I first married in 1974 at age 22. Couples are waiting longer, and many are deciding they don’t really want to be parents. They want to be free to work, travel, or do whatever they enjoy. Thanks to reliable birth control, it is easier to make that choice these days.
Even people who want children don’t see how they can do it, considering their student loan debt, the impossible cost of buying a home, and the equally impossible cost of childcare. They also look at the state of the world and think, really? I’m going to subject a child to that?
By the time they decide to get pregnant, they may be dealing with fertility problems, which leads to the whole world of fertility treatments, surrogates, and adoption, all difficult and crazy expensive.
How does this factor into being childless by marriage? In an era when more people are putting off having children or declaring they don’t want them, it’s more likely that one’s partner will be unable or unwilling to have babies. Of course, things get even more complicated when one partner has already had children and doesn’t want any more.
Twenge blames most of the changes over the generations on technology, including social media, birth control, and all the gadgets that dominate our attention. What do you think?
Generations is over 500 pages long and not a quick read, but it is fascinating, and I highly recommend it. If you’re much younger than I am, it could help you understand your parents and grandparents just as it helps me understand those born generations later than I was.
When I was young there was a saying: Never trust anyone over 30. We talked about the “generation gap.” Surely the generations have always disagreed on things. Do you think the differences are more pronounced now? Or is all this Gen X, Gen Z, etc. stuff nonsense?
Let me know what you think in the comments.
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During World Childless Week, I spoke on two panels, one about the image of childless people in the media and the other about aging without children. If you missed them or anything from World Childless Week, you can still watch the videos at https://worldchildlessweek.net.
Childless by Marriage 
Hi Sue,
Thanks for this article – I will look the book up.
I am curious about your phrasing of this paragraph, namely the use of the word ‘blames’… “Twenge blames most of the changes over the generations on technology, including social media, birth control, and all the gadgets that dominate our attention.” My perception is ‘blame’ is a negative word – one used to imply a negative association, thus leading this paragraph to read as though all these societal changes towards relationships and choices around childbearing are a bad thing. ‘Attributes’ would be a more neutral word to use.
I am in my 30s and childless by marriage, but I am glad of the societal advances that allow my husband the freedom to voice his apathetic views on parenthood, rather than feeling he should ‘go along’ with something he doesn’t feel wholehearted about. I would be mortified if he felt society expected him to be a father and therefore felt there was no choice. I am of the view a child deserves to be wholly and completely adored and wanted by both their parents.
I work in a role where I meet and work closely with people from all the generations (bar the under-18s) and so I can easily identify the changing views towards relationships and children across the spectrum.
Inside, I brace myself when I visit an 80-something-year-old woman because I know she will inevitably ask if I ‘have a family’. I will reply yes, and she will ask how old my children are. I will say I don’t have children and confusion will flood her face. I will explain, my husband is my family. She will say by family she meant children and I will reply how she didn’t ask me if I have children, she asked me if I have a family and I do. We are speaking different languages because of our generational gap.
I believe there is still too much expectation and pressure on women in their 30s & 40s today to ‘have it all’, which I hope to see thoroughly abolished before long. I wholeheartedly agree women can choose whatever path they want but it is unfair to pretend it’s possible to have it all and not constantly feel torn and worn out from juggling all the responsibilities and inevitable guilt.
Loneliness is something that affects all generations, and having children is no protection against it. My loneliest clients tend to be those who have several adult children. Or, ironically, those with children under school age who are stay-at-home mums. The former complain their children don’t visit often enough or live too far away; the latter complain childcare is too expensive and they can’t get a break. The former also often ‘cut off their noses to spite their faces’ by declining suggestions to combat loneliness by getting involved in their community or taking up befriending services or paying for carers because they feel their children ‘should’ be doing these things for them.
Generations are always changing – that is life. I saw a great response recently to a news article that said men today are much less apt at DIY than their grandfathers’ generation. Someone had written ‘And the grandfathers’ generation was worse at blacksmithing than their ancestors of the 19th century.’ A great rebuke. Generational change is normal, and it doesn’t need to be a ‘this was better than that’ battle as the media would have us believe.
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You are absolutely right about “blames” vs. “attributes.” The latter would be a better choice. Thank you for this well-thought-out comment. I too get asked by older people whether I have a family and get a similar reaction. Younger people don’t find it strange at all that I don’t have children.
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I definitely think there are generational differences. I am Gen X. I grew up working with Boomers. Now I work with Millenials. The differences are numerous and sometimes extreme, some obvious and some not-so-obvious.
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I too really bristled over the use of the word “blames.” And I’ve never liked the whole idea of generational differences, because I hate being stereotyped, I hate the assumptions people might make about me without knowing me simply because of when I was born, or my gender, or nationality, or background, or race. It infuriates me.
According to dates, I’m the very last of the Boomers, but I have much more in common in so many ways with Gen X (only a year or two younger than me). And my social and feminist views put me in different camps too. I recently spent time with my brother-in-law’s family. I’m far more progressive and modern than BIL or his Gen X wife, and had more in common in many ways with my 22-year-old niece finishing her thesis. Until she said that a) she struggled to read an analog clock(!) haha, and b) that she wanted four kids! lol
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Well said, Mali.
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I am Gen X raised by very old fashioned Boomers who were raised by very old fashioned Silent Generation folks (never heard of “silent” – learned something new!). A lot of my family is very traditional. Even cousins way younger than me. Not having children (and “not even” trying to adopt) isn’t exactly judged. But it’s certainly a cause for pity. Maybe I’m “excused” because I had very public marriage issues. But probably, it’s just a bit more pity.
I live a lovely life. I really do. Absolutely no one should pity me for a second. But I have found myself trapped in a weird cycle of guilt for not living up to the traditional values my family has in place. After rebuilding our marriage I expected, in a way, for people to admire us. We were strong enough to truly transform our lives. We have a truly amazing marriage and that should be apparent to anyone who chats with us. But for some reason I still feel like I’ve entered a surprise Pity Party.
Weirdly, I feel like a baby would have made everyone feel better. Even with the most dysfunctional relationship – if you have a baby, you are a “normal” family. You are leading normal lives. You are equal. And you don’t judge or pity people who are equal to you.
I know could have tried harder to get pregnant. I definitely could have looked deeper into adoption. I didn’t do those things and in some circles (like my traditional family) I feel a sense of shame for “failing”. I also feel a guilt I can’t shake. If I am positive and happy about my life it feels like I’m flaunting myself as I’m met with polite (glazed over) smiles. If I arrive to a conversation humbled I seem to be more accepted (great!) but also . . . pitied. I just can’t get comfortable.
In my business I deal with a lot of young couples. My most recent client had a baby with her and she let me hold him while she made some decisions. This was the happiest, little chunky baby. I hadn’t held one in awhile and I totally enjoyed myself – talking to him and bouncing him around (my arms are sore!). The mother was beaming and was happy to answer all my questions about nap times and favorite toys. Even after I told her I didn’t have children she continued to share her joy and that made me feel so . . . normal. And good. Still, at the end of the appointment I truly enjoyed giving him back to his mother, knowing that I could return to my regularly scheduled life.
My niece recently announced her pregnancy and I’m so happy for them. Truly not a twinge of jealously or anger. I want this awesome thing for her and her husband. Even if it didn’t come naturally for me. I never prayed for her to get pregnant but I have shared my concerns with God that my niece’s quick temper doesn’t hurt her marriage. I guess we all focus on what we know.
Life is lovely but it’s not perfect. I get sad a lot. But maybe my sadness and fear of loneliness isn’t because I don’t have children. Maybe I’m spending too much time with the wrong generation? Or people? Maybe, if I deal with my guilt, I can stop those pity parties?
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