What Happened? Did They Go or Stay?

Sue Fagalde Lick childlessness, Leaving a childless marriage, men who don't want children, Uncategorized, women who don't want children, , ,
Dear readers,
I received this email last week. The writer raises an excellent question. We gets lots of comments from people struggling over whether to stay in a childless marriage or leave and hope to find someone else, but we rarely find out what they decided to do. Read what she says.

 

Dear Sue,
I found your blog a while back and have been reading over posts and comments for days. People talk about leaving or staying, but you never hear if they left and what happened next! I am 35 and have a good marriage with a pretty great man. We have some kinks, but who doesn’t.  He has a son (now 21) that is out of the house and we have a fine relationship. Around the time I turned 35, the urge to have a child overwhelmed me! I am so sad it is hard to get out of the bed on some days. I have seen a counselor and talked to a few friends, but ultimately the decision is mine to stay or go. Everyone says you are almost to the age of no return. You would be hard pressed to find another man you love and to have children. I don’t want to be alone and be the crazy cat lady. I would love to hear from some of your readers that left and if they are happy now or if they regret leaving. Did they find love again and have a family? I feel like I want to leave and have a family, but I am terrified to say those words to my husband and end up alone. Can you help?
 
Thanks,
Completely Sad

So, readers who have been in this situation, what did you decide and how did it turn out? What advice do you have for “Completely Sad”? Please let us know in the comments.

I wish you all a blessed and happy Easter. If this means hanging out with the family, dealing with all those questions and everybody else’s kids, I hope it won’t be too painful for you. It does get easier. At this point, I’m enjoying the little babies and little kids in the family. I’m also glad I don’t have to take care of them. I wish I had adult children to be with, to love, and to help me when I need it, but that’s a whole other post. I took the childless path.

But you, readers, especially those who were struggling with the stay-or-go decision. What have you decided?

You might want to look back at these previous posts and comments on the subject:

“He already has his kids, but I don’t”

“If they don’t want kids, do you have to break up?”

11 thoughts on “What Happened? Did They Go or Stay?”

  1. Stayed in a very happy relationship. Found out last year that I couldn’t have had kids anyway, and needed surgery. Phew, glad I stayed.

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  2. I unfortunately was faced with this dilemma, not once but twice in my life. It is heartbreaking and never easy. In my first marriage, I left because he decided he did not want to have children and I knew that he was not for me. In the end, it was the best decision I ever made, because it brought me to my current husband. My husband had a child unplanned when he was very young. It was hard on him and although he considered having a child with me, in the end we agreed not to have a child. It was not an easy decision for either of us, but I knew that if we did not, I still would stay with him. I knew that he was special and that I would never find someone that I loved as much as I love him. I still wish we had a child, but in the end, I know that an unknown child could not give me the feeling of love nor could it complete me as much as my marriage does. I feel for the writer as I know too well the pain she is going through. For me, I just knew what the right decision was and I hope that the writer finds peace on her journey as I have.

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  3. I have stayed, for now, and have watched my ‘childbearing years’ disappear. It is hard not to be resentful of a man who is now enjoying a grandchild. We shall see how it all works out! Happy Easter, Sue – thank you for everything you do.

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  4. I stayed, believing that God wouldn’t bless my leaving.
    We’d both wanted children before we got married. A few years in he changed his mind.
    My yearning has been powerful.
    I’ve forgiven him — over and over, as I continue to grieve unchosen childlessness.
    Now it’s too late for me to have children. I struggle with anger toward myself for staying. Anger towards his unkindness in expressing enthusiasm for other women’s pregnancies, his being baffled at why this could be troubling for me.
    His lack of concern for my lost dream compounds the pain.
    I often wish I had left, as the refusal to have children was only one part of the unhealthiness in our marriage. Still continuing to evaluate whether to stay in this marriage.
    In the meantime, am trying to focus on other aspects of life and move towards a meaningful and fulfilled life.

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  6. I stayed, believing that God wouldn’t bless my leaving.
    We’d both wanted children before we got married. A few years in he changed his mind.
    My yearning has been powerful.
    I’ve forgiven him — over and over, as i continue to grieve unchosen childlessness.
    Now it’s too late for me to have children. I struggle with anger toward myself for staying. Anger towards his unkindness in expressing enthusiasm for other women’s pregnancies, his being baffled at why this could be troubling for me.
    His lack of concern for my lost dream compounds the pain.
    I often wish i had left, as the refusal to have children was only one part of the unhealthiness in our marriage. Still continuing to evaluate whether to stay in this marriage.
    In the meantime, am trying to focus on other aspects of life and move towards a meaningful and fulfilled life.

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  7. I left, and it was honestly the best decision I have ever made. Scary, certainly, but the best, and I haven’t regretted it at all.

    My ex and I discussed having children before getting engaged, and we agreed that it was something we both really wanted. Once we were married, he inexplicably refused to have a baby or even discuss the issue in any meaningful way. I agonised over my decision for two years but realised, at the age of 36, that I was quite possibly beginning to run out of time. Not only that, but the level of resentment I was starting to feel towards him for deliberately depriving me of something that meant so much to me (and on which we had previously agreed) was growing exponentially. Basically, it all combined in such a way that it was untenable for me to stay in the marriage.

    I spent a lot of time lurking on this blog during that time! I read all the posts and comments with a mixture of relief and sadness that so many people were in the same situation as me (Sue – thank you!).

    Just over two years on, I am engaged to a wonderful man; we are getting married next month and plan on starting to try for a baby right away. Given my previous experience, it took a LONG time for me to trust that my fiancé is genuine about his desire to have a child with me, but he was patient and persistent, and convinced me in the end :).

    I think that even if I hadn’t met my fiancé, I would still have been better off alone, with at least the possibility of meeting someone and starting a family rather than locked in an unhappy, resentful marriage with no chance whatsoever of having a child. If my fiancé and I are blessed with a child, that would obviously make me so, so happy. But even if we aren’t, I know that I am with an honest, good man who was willing to at least try, so I am already light years ahead of where I was in my former marriage.

    I am 38 years old now – no spring chicken, reproductively speaking! But I am nevertheless excited about the future for the first time in a long time. So, there can be a light at the end of that tunnel (though I know all too well how hard it can be to see it when trying to decide whether to stay or go).

    I realise that everyone’s situation is different, but thought I would share my “go” story in case anyone is interested. Not sure what made me re-visit this blog today of all days, but here I am!

    Thanks for reading. Sending everyone much love and light. x

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